“You do not have to feel confident to take the next step. You only have to decide that your future is more important than your fear.” – Aria T. Finelli.
I am a career advisor.
I regularly ask people to do things that make them uncomfortable.
I ask people to do things that no one else has asked them to do before.
I ask people to do things that make them stand out.
Each of these “asks” moves people outside of their comfort zones,” and it often takes a considerable amount of coaching and time before people will even attempt these things. Know that everything I ask are things that work, things that are not really difficult, and things that will help them accomplish their goals.
Why? Why is it so difficult then?
It’s not that the people I work with are lazy, far from it. They struggle because what I ask makes them uncomfortable, and they, as with all of us, we have been conditioned all our lives to equate discomfort with danger.
Why are people uncomfortable?
It might be a fear of rejection, a fear of making a mistake, a fear of sounding awkward, a fear of being judged, a fear of hearing “No”, a fear of failure, surprisingly often a fear of succeeding, and perhaps a fear of change. All of these fears are real, and for people living with neurodiversity or not, we have all accumulated trauma through our experiences with our peers, family, and work that reinforces those fears. Fear shades the value each person believes would come from doing the things that I ask.
An Example.
The people I work with are job seekers. They have completely different backgrounds and histories, strengths, and weaknesses; however, almost universally they do not want to contact a prospective employer to find out the name, position, email, and correct spelling of the person in charge of hiring for an advertised position.
It is a simple enough task, most non-job seekers would think; however, in reality, it makes the majority of my job seekers uncomfortable, and it often takes weeks of coaching to help them see the value and how it helps them to achieve their goals, to have them see that value is greater than their fear.
The fear never completely goes away.
So, what can you do?
Our brain mistakes discomfort for danger and tells us: “Don’t make that phone call.” “Don’t send that email.” “Wait until you feel ready. “Unfortunately, each delay helps to reinforce the fear delaying action, and worse, delaying the confidence that will follow from action.
The Employment Equation
Their job searches are controlled by one simple equation. If Fear is Greater than Willingness … nothing happens. The job seeker willpostpone, they will overthink, they tell themselves they’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes next week and soon becomes never. Their brain and its reaction to fear is now one of the most difficult obstacles to their success.
What If Willingness Becomes Greater than Fear… They make the call. Their cover letter addressed to the right person is noticed when they submit their application. By calling, they introduce themselves. They ask the question. They move closer to employment.
What is as important as taking action is the realization that their fear doesn’t disappear; but through preparation, their ability to increase their skills to perform this task and the rewards they can see increase to become greater than the fear, which really hasn’t changed. Importantly, fear simply no longer gets to make their decisions.
Ask One Question
I support, encourage, and often challenge my job seekers. One way I challenge them is to ask the question when we are stuck, or they are avoiding doing a job search task, is: “Which is stronger right now… your fear or your desire to find employment?”
My response if their answer is fear… I support them and never try to belittle the fear, because it is valid and very real. I encourage them not to quit or give up; but rather to ask a better question: “What would make their reason for getting a job bigger than their fear?”
Often their answers include gaining their independence, paying their bills, helping their family, buying things like cars to make their lives better, feeling a sense of accomplishment or pride in themselves, meeting new people, and building a better future for themselves.
I attempt to help them see that we want their “why” to be bigger than their fear.
The Phone Call Changes Everything
Calling an employer to ask: “Could you please tell me the name, position, and correct spelling of the hiring manager?” is our example. In my experience, many job seekers avoid this call.
Not because it’s difficult.
Because it feels uncomfortable.
Let’s think about it. They are not asking for a job. They are not asking for an interview. They are simply asking for information. Most receptionists answer questions like this every day. To a receptionist or office person, this type of call is routine. To the job seeker, it feels huge. These are two very different experiences.
Why the Call Matters
Making this call tells an employer something important before the person’s cover letter and résumé. It tells the employer the job seeker pays attention to detail, they care enough to personalize their application, they are willing to communicate professionally, and they take initiative.
Those qualities matter.
Sometimes more than experience.
Preparation: Create A Simple Script
Being prepared for something uncomfortable builds skills and increases confidence.
For example:
“Good morning.
My name is Paul. I’m preparing an application for your organization, and I’d like to address my cover letter correctly. Could you please tell me the name, position, and correct spelling of the hiring manager?”
That’s it. Short. Professional. Respectful.
If the receptionist asks why: Simply say: “I like to personalize my applications whenever possible.” Most employers will appreciate that answer.
If they don’t know- that’s okay. Ask: “Is there someone else who might know?” Or “Would you recommend I address it another way?”
Remember. Every phone call is still progress even if it doesn’t go well the very first time. Making the phone call is already a success. The goal was never to get the perfect answer. The goal was to take action.
Helpful Tips
The 30-Second Rule. Whenever you notice yourself hesitating. Count backwards 5…4…3…2…1…Move.
Don’t negotiate with your fear. The longer you think or procrastinate. The larger your fear becomes.
Use the 3-question problem strategy. Every obstacle has a solution. Ask yourself these questions.
- What exactly is stopping me? Be specific. If your answer is “I’m overwhelmed.” Tell yourself, “I’m nervous about making one phone call.” That’s okay. Specific problems have specific solutions. Just like I never tell people their fears aren’t real, we want to clarify what the obstacle is.
- Next, ask yourself, Is this dangerous or just uncomfortable? Know that most job search tasks are uncomfortable. Know that I will never ask you to do something dangerous. I encourage people to learn to tell the difference.
- Finally, I ask, What is the smallest next step? It won’t be making the call at first. It could be writing the phone number down. It could be practicing the script once. We will build towards dialing the number.
Small steps create momentum, build confidence, and help you manage your fears.
You don’t have to do this alone. When faced with fears, talk to people about them. You will discover that sharing your fears with a friend, a family member, or especially your career advisor will help. Someone who believes in you.
What can I do in the next 15 minutes? Action beats intention, and the best time is now, not tomorrow, not later today. Ask yourself what you can accomplish right now.
Use four questions that help overcome your fear: When fear shows up, ask yourself:
“What’s the worst, realistic outcome?” of asking the question. Usually it will be “They say they don’t know.” Or “They’re busy. “Neither is a disaster.
What’s the best outcome? You learn the hiring manager’s name. Your application stands out. You gain confidence.
What’s the most likely outcome? A pleasant conversation lasting less than one minute.
What happens if I do nothing? Nothing changes. Your application doesn’t improve. Your opportunities don’t increase. Doing nothing is a choice, and it always has consequences too.
Simple Truths: Each Action Makes the Next One Easier
Making the first employer call is the hardest. The second is easier. By the tenth… You’ll wonder why it ever felt impossible. Confidence is built through repetition, and it makes your desire stronger than your fear..
Although I ask people to do uncomfortable things, I never ask anyone to be fearless. I ask people to keep moving. All of the tools I have spoken about on this blog or on the Life Directions website or that I use with my job seekers do not measure perfection; they measure progress.
Progress is what leads to employment.
Progress for my job seekers is making a daily commitment to themselves. Each day, we acknowledge that their fear is real, and that is important for everyone. Each day, follow the plan we have created, track your progress, understand that many of the tasks may be uncomfortable at first, break them into smaller pieces but don’t avoid them, ask for help, and remember that courage is taking action even when I feel afraid.
Employment doesn’t belong to the people who are never afraid. It belongs to the people who decide their future is more important than their fear.
Looking for a new job is difficult for many people. To be successful, I ask people to do things they may never have done before; many of them are uncomfortable, and we will likely have to do even more uncomfortable or new things until we achieve the goals you have set for yourself. This approach will work the example I provided, and it will also work for any other situation where fear is greater than desire.
Know, though, success isn’t about waiting until you feel confident or comfortable; it’s about taking the next purposeful step, even and especially when confidence hasn’t arrived yet. It’s about building the courage to act despite the fear you have.
Paul