I wrote this post originally last Christmas. A lot has happened in the past year for you and for me as well.
The days of gifts like toys and games have long passed, sadly. The three of you now live away from home far more than when you stay with us. As we consider what gifts you might like for this coming holiday season, I paused to reflect on other gifts we have tried to impart to you.
Before you were born and afterward, we read all the books we could on parenting. We tried not to make too many serious mistakes, succeeding sometimes and failing other times. We followed the advice and, like most parents, we did what we thought was best.
In addition to the toys, books, games, and clothes; there were other gifts. We never articulated those gifts all at once, they were never anything you could wrap up or put under a Christmas tree. These gifts were given as part of everyday living all through the year. A story told over a bedtime snack, another related on an early morning drive to band practice. A short conversation in those rare moments whenever the chaos of our daily lives allowed. We read books to you from the time you each were old enough to sit upright up until now and many of the characters in those stories provide examples of how to use the gifts, we tried to impart to you.
For us as parents, I believe that all parents try to give each of their children these gifts.
Health. We began long before each of you was born. We did not smoke, drink, or use any drugs during each pregnancy. We always tried to provide good examples of healthy eating and exercise, with varying degrees of success. We have been fortunate that the health system in Canada has allowed you to be treated for all the illnesses and broken bones that you have experienced. We have encouraged you to notice your health and to ask questions whenever something seems amiss.
We have also wanted you to have whatever support you needed, up to and including ensuring that you do not feel any stigma about admitting to needing mental health care as well. As students and adults, you will encounter stress, anxiety, and depression, and it is important to be at ease getting the same type of assistance just as you would for any other health issue, like a broken arm.
Security. The world we share is a dangerous place. We have tried to teach you to not be afraid of situations. Instead, we have tried to teach you to be careful and to be aware of potential dangers. It is a fine balancing act, as dangerous as the world might be it is also a place of wonder and needs to be experienced. New places, new people, new foods, and new things to see are all part of what each child should experience.
Awareness and empathy. These gifts develop over time, and we have tried to make you aware of the inequality and inequity that exists in our communities. More important than awareness we have tried to provide examples of how to make a difference and help vulnerable people through understanding and action.
Stability. This can be one of the hardest gifts to provide. Work/life balance is seldom ever perfect with the conflicting demands of working and family life. I know that this is one area, in which I may have failed to set a good example. We have tried to compensate by coaching your sports teams, connecting while driving to clubs, and encouraging you to participate in school activities like bands and plays. Even as you have moved out on your own, we have tried to instill the sense that no matter what there is always a place for you should you need it.
Knowing that no matter where you are in the world, we are as close as a call. That if you are in trouble, there is help 24/7/365. If you need advice we will try to wait until you ask for it, but it is always there. I will apologize for the times we have not waited for you to ask for advice but provided it too soon.
Confidence. For you to be confident and comfortable with who you are is another gift that not everyone receives. We have tried hard to instill and inspire you to accept our help. Confidence in who you are and a willingness not to be self-limiting is other of the most important gifts. Children can be battered by inadvertent mistakes and peer reactions. Their comfort zones are stretched from day one and without the reassurance they need their situation only gets worse each time it happens.
We have strived to make you feel comfortable, to take chances, to answer questions, to push yourselves to experience the rewards that can come with feeling comfortable with who you are and what you can be. Volunteering to go first when public speaking, not allowing yourselves to be bullied, asking out a person on that first date, or any one of a hundred other examples, all these situations can test or destroy confidence, and we have tried to be there to help you through these situations.
Humility. The dark side of confidence is arrogance. Sometimes we have been successful and other times not. We have tried to provide good examples, and when the scale comes back into balance, to talk about what you did right, what you did wrong, and what you might try the next time. Developing your ability to always try your best, regardless of what other people have done; whether academically or in sports; has always been a lesson we tried to teach. As you have gotten older, it has never been our purpose to worry about humility but to demonstrate, appreciate, and coach you as we could.
Desire to learn and to think critically. Your homes have always had an overabundance of books and since you were born, we have tried to encourage you to read anything and everything, from comic books to specialized magazines and educational software to video games. As you got older, we tried to encourage critical thinking skills and engage in debates, sometimes to the point of excess; however, the ability to think for yourself was worth the chance that you might be angry with us for a day or two. Learning and thinking critically also combine to give you the skills required for daily problem-solving.
Sense of fun and adventure. Whenever any of you were asked to go on a school trip, join a club or organization, go camping, etc., we have tried to encourage you to take advantage of those opportunities. School and childhood are about learning but also about having fun and experiencing different things. This sense of adventure combined with your confidence to try new things and to make mistakes is as important as anything else we have done. We wanted to ensure that you each realize that it is okay to feel nervous when trying new things and to not give in to “the avoiding trap” that so many people fall into as they grow up.
Time. With social media, the pressure on you has never been greater. We have tried to reassure each of you that there is no competition between you and your friends. You are on your journey, and it will take you however long it takes to get to where you would like to be.
Ability to make your own decisions. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to make some big mistakes … but that is part of learning. Your ability to gather facts, look at alternatives, and make the best decision with the time you have gets better as you make decisions. Little decisions and big decisions, we have tried to give you the skills to make the best decisions you could. We have always stressed that when you make a bad decision, do not be afraid to tell us, and we will be there to help you pick up the pieces.
Ability to fail. Not everything you try will work. This is okay. Sometimes you will have to pursue your goals after failing several times. Understanding that it happens and more importantly having the ability to get back up, figure out what happened, and try again, is perhaps the most important gift on this list.
Support when needed. Skinned knees, broken wrists, failed friendships, rejected invitations to proms, feeling down, and hundreds of other bumps in the road are all part of growing up. Being there for you and having you be comfortable with talking about your issues is something we have always tried to do for you. Any time you have a problem that you cannot solve, call us, and we will always have time for you.
Inspiration. It might be a quote sent to you each morning. It could be a conversation for no reason at all. It might be a picture reminding you of a fun time or an adventure. Whatever we can do, we will. You are never far from our thoughts.
Finally, we hope that you are happy with whatever you do. Someone asked me when all three of you were small, “What do you hope they will be when they grow up?” We did not even hesitate. “Happy.”
Have we succeeded in providing these gifts and lessons?
Time will tell. We have done and continue to do our best. Perhaps other parents will have chosen other gifts. We always wish we could give you more. As you move forward into your future, it is our hope these gifts will allow you to build a good life.
Paul’s note: I wrote this post for our three children. I try to write about things that I know and have experienced; to share ideas and thoughts that other people might be able to use. I hope that this post resonates with each person who reads it.
Merry Christmas,
Dad.