I am and have been battered, dented, and bloodied.
I have fought, won, and lost many times, and been exiled.
In my journey, I have realized that many times I have contributed to my setbacks and defeats as much as I have benefited from the successes that I have had. In that journey friends, co-workers, and competitors have tried to teach me lessons that many times I stubbornly refused to acknowledge and appreciate …until recently.
To them, albeit long overdue, I would like to say thank you. For everyone else, please give me five minutes, and perhaps you might be able to apply their lessons for yourself on your journey.
Do not mistake tenacity for being relentless.
Being determined is a good trait. Tenacity is also a good attribute; however, people, friends, ideas and concepts, need space and time. My failure to acknowledge being relentless has cost me more than a few friends and many opportunities. Learn to recognize the signs, both subtle and blatant, that people sometimes need you to “back off.” It does not mean that they reject you or do not like your ideas; it is just that THEY need to absorb and reflect before going any further. For those people that I have done this to, I wish that you accept my apologies; I have been an ass far more times than I should have been.
Sometimes, most times it is not about you.
Have you ever talked to a person who you could tell was so anxious to tell you something that they were just waiting until you finish talking? They may not even be really listening to you. All they wanted was for you to stop so they can tell you what is on their mind. This example can be extrapolated to pushing your friends to do things they do not want to do just because you want to. Appreciate even your friends have limits and if you do not recognize what they want, because you are too focused on what you want, that friendship likely does not have a future. Again, I apologize that I have been guilty of doing this too.
Intensity is not a positive trait.
Being focused and task-driven can be synonymous with being blind and single-minded. Balance is the key to everything and I have struggled with this. When things have been difficult, I dug in and worked even harder. Ironically, the harder I tried, the further I got from the people, things, and goals that I wanted. Had I given people space and time as well as allowed events and circumstances to fall into place, my life would have been much easier. Hard work is important, but relentless single-mindedness is a recipe for failure.
Integrity matters.
Doing what you say you will is a fundamental element of any success. I have always tried to be fair, consistent, and to act with integrity. Having integrity is not what this lesson is about. The lesson is to appreciate that not everyone shares your view of what integrity is. Appreciating different viewpoints and recognizing this simple truth is the key to winning them to your perspective. It takes time and patience and must be nurtured; bluntly pointing out their shortcomings will result in your effectiveness evaporating and actually making your task almost impossible.
Give yourself a break.
People who are task-oriented and extremely focused can be very successful. They can also be incredibly hard on themselves and other people because their standards are almost impossible to consistently achieve. When things are working very well they can be self-actualizing. However, when things do not work according to their expectations, these same people will try even harder and will blame themselves and internalize failure leading to isolation and potentially depression. As someone who has lived this, I wish that I had listened more to those friends and co-workers who told me “that it wasn’t my fault;” instead, I continued to ignore that simple truth and drove some of them away.
It is important to do your best, try as hard as you can, but understand there are limits to what can be done. Sometimes, your best will not enough be enough, accept that, and move on or ask for help. Don’t spend too much time worrying about what happened in the past to the point where you miss “now” and “future” opportunities because you can’t allow the past to remain in the past.
Pick when to go to war.
Successful people appreciate that they are not always going to get their way. There is nothing wrong with being idealistic and/or defending your perspective; however, realize building a team or functioning as part of one is an equal partnership. Know when to “go to the wall” for something that matters, and know when “to let someone else win,” many times by letting someone else win, your position in an organization will be strengthened, not weakened. There was a time where my desire to “win” every battle resulted in me losing virtually everything.
Recognize you have blind spots.
Has anyone ever told you, “You think you are right all of the time?” The simple truth of that statement is, “Yes, of course, I think I am right all of the time,” I thought it was counter-intuitive to believe otherwise. Of course, that attitude was seen as the ultimate in arrogance, which is important to recognize and appreciate.
Believing that you are right is okay. That belief needs to be balanced by acknowledging and admission, that, “I may not have all of the facts or I may be biased in my viewpoint, so I know that there will be times that I know that I will be wrong.” That simple truth and honesty will make you more friends and allies than being seen as an arrogant, self-righteous jerk (been there, done that).
When you do make a mistake, “own it,” and admit to those around you that someone else was right and you were wrong.
Being empathetic is not a weakness.
Much of my career has been spent dealing with customer service issues. Considering an issue from another person’s perspective has always been a key element in any success that I have had. This thinking should be applied to many other situations as well. Looking at an issue or problem from other people’s perspectives allows you to see important elements that help you to make fairer decisions.
Many times, I was accused of not being tough enough, but by appreciating issues and wondering how I would feel in a similar situation, my decisions usually defused situations and resulted in a customer or client who would return to our organization and ultimately made our business stronger.
The lesson that I should have appreciated more, was applying this thinking to staff and volunteers, personal relationships, and in my interaction with other people around me. Everyone you meet deserves empathy for the things you cannot see going on in their lives. The adage, “Treat people the way you would like to be treated,” has never been more true.
Standing out and making a difference.
It is not arrogant to want to stand out. When standing out is not about ego, it can be about being the best you can be; this is a very good thing. For a student to be noticed by their teachers as someone who wants to learn, for a new associate who wants to get ahead for themselves and their family, and for a politician who wants to make a difference. All of these examples and more need to be noticed. Taking a chance and standing out from the crowd is the best way to do that.
This is one lesson that I did learn earlier in my career. I have included it because being bold, not arrogant, is important for everyone. For a long time I missed out on opportunities because they were outside my comfort zone and I have regretted those lost opportunities, I would encourage you to “take a chance” the rewards are worth the risk.
Arrogance is the evil side of confidence.
Pride, arrogance, and complacency feed entitlement. Successful people and successful organizations can fall to these three frailties. It is easy to be seduced by success, so much so that many assume that they will be successful because they always have. Professionally it is important to remember your competitive advantages, remember what it is that made you successful. Continued success can lull you into thinking that your competition will never improve. Failing to recognize these inherent simple truths can leave you and your organization vulnerable to people who “outwork or outidea” you.
Having a “red team” in your organization or a friend to tell you that you need change, can be invaluable to help you keep your “feet on the ground.”
Ironically, I presented these ideas to my team over the years many times, without realizing that I was guilty of all three.
Seek help and assistance, but it is up to you.
Many times, you cannot see what is wrong with you, or if you can, sometimes it is hard to see a way out. Being stuck doesn’t mean you can’t go forward, you can’t go backward, and you can’t stay where you are; being stuck means you are sinking. Friends, co-workers, and professionals can all help and there is no shame in asking for help. They can see things you cannot see and they can help you make decisions. The decisions are yours to make. Know and accept you will make mistakes, I have made my share and more, but try to learn what you can from each one and move forward.
I have been fortunate that I have had friends who have tried to help; my weakness was that it took so long for me to listen. Don’t make my mistake.
These simple truths may help you on your journey.
I am not finished my mine. I just wish I had listened sooner myself.
Good luck,
Paul.