Parenthood is something you can lose yourself in. It begins with 24 hours of intensive care, worrying, celebrating, and a kind of tiredness that is unimaginable when you don’t have children. Sports practices, school, countless other activities, a blur of balancing life, work, broken things, moods, and an almost imperceptible shifting of reliance and independence. As a parent, you don’t even notice it until it becomes unmistakable when your children become adults.
I wasn’t ready for it to be over. The quietness, a house that was once the centre of activity, is now quiet. Toys, books, furniture, space; now quiet and seldom even occupied. When my children were young, we read all the books about “What to expect …;” there aren’t any about “What to expect when parenthood ends?”
Of course, parenthood doesn’t end — it evolves. The shift can be freeing, bittersweet, frustrating, and deeply rewarding — often all at once.
I wanted to write about what I was feeling, and as I talk to other parents, the things they have felt or are feeling. Our role as parent’s changes from primary caretaker to consultant to spectator, and it can be the most difficult part of parenting.
Letting Go of Control – There is an irony as you shift from being a child yourself to becoming an adult and parent. You will find yourself understanding your parents at the same time your children don’t understand you. Where once you made the decisions, you no longer get to call the shots. Maybe they will ask for your opinions, but only if they ask for them, and even then, they may not follow your advice. This can be very hard to accept, but it is necessary for you to not only accept but to celebrate because if you try to keep control, you will only drive them away.
No More Day-to-Day Parenting – Where once you managed the chaos of bedtimes, meals, pickups, and routines, all these things disappear, slowly at first, and then with increasing speed. The loss can be staggering. I have tried, sometimes successfully, to continue to be there, sometimes even still sharing the reading of books and novels as a way to stay connected, even as our children move into their twenties.
Bite your tongue – I constantly want to offer advice, but I have been guilty, I believe, of offering advice and criticism at the same time, and not only need to be more aware of my tone, but I also need to choose my moments much more wisely.
Distance – At one time this summer, one of our children was working in England, one in the Northwest Territories, and one was only two hours away. Providing support and connection was aided by Zoom calls, phone calls, texts, and occasional care packages of favorite foods and reminders from home. It wasn’t the same, but it was appreciated.
Bank of Mom and Dad – I believe teaching your children “How to Fail” is one of the most important lessons we can provide. Equally important is the knowledge that when in trouble, financially or emotionally, help is always available without judgment. We tried to be there and done what they needed. Each parent has limits on what can be given; however, I have yet to meet a parent who wouldn’t sacrifice all they had to help their children.
Leading to supporting – Your children are real people, they are adults, in many ways, they are just like you; their lives revolve around new and different priorities. Their work, partners, and passions are different than yours. There is a place for you, if you can accept that, but it is you who has to adjust, not them.
Less Frequent Contact – Yes, your contact will be less, but that doesn’t mean they love you less; they are living their lives. Don’t wait for them to call; you call them. If they are busy, leave a message and try again later. Never guilt someone into calling you; be interested in their lives.
“No” – This is a word you will have to learn and to respect when you ask them to visit, to do something, or to make a choice you want them to make. They may or may not be as respectful; however, allow them to grow and learn.
It’s not about you – As a parent you have tried to teach your children to think, to make choices, to build their independence; now, no matter how scary it might seem, you have to let them make their choices and live with the results … this doesn’t mean that you can’t be supportive and ready if they ask for help.
The Bank of Mom and Dad – Your children, like you, perhaps, are going to make mistakes with money. It is important to teach lessons and not to be taken advantage of; however, you may have to lend money, often more than once. Hopefully, eventually, you will be repaid, but don’t rely on that, especially in the short term.
Don’t be the Knight – Ask if they would like advice, or if they would just like you to listen when they have a problem. Being a “momma bear” is a natural instinct, but help them deal with their problems, don’t resolve their problems.
Unexpected life decisions and unhelpful people – Your children will make decisions and connections you will not agree with and find difficult to support … do your best. The right answer depends on the decision and the people involved. Try talking first but trust yourself. Being a parent never ends, and neither does the worry.
The quietness of your home – For so much of your life, your life revolved around their lives, your home, your activities, financially and emotionally. Then one day, you find yourself sitting in a room full of memories by yourself, and you understand you were not ready for it to be over. It’s hard, but remember, it’s not over; it’s just different, and that’s why you are reading this.
Equals – Your children are now adults, you are no longer the automatic provider, appreciate that they like your help and generosity, but accept their invitation to dinner or their help as reciprocity and a significant growth step.
Partners, roommates, in-laws – Expect new people to enter and leave your family. You may not be ready, but remember, it is not about you and what you want; it is about who makes your adult children happy.
Opinions, Politics, and other things you may not like – Encourage critical thinking, challenging of beliefs, whether political, religious, or personal … it’s going to happen. Debate and conversation are good for families tempered with respect, curiosity, and free of combativeness.
Guilt and Regret – On occasion, you will feel guilty about your choices, what you did for them, and what you didn’t do; every parent will experience this. Remember, you did the best you could, and your children are adults now; they get to choose what they carry forward.
Who are you now? – For twenty or more years, being “Mom” or “Dad” has been central to who you are; it’s time to rediscover what else makes you now and into the future. You owe that to them and to yourself.
Enjoying your children as adults – You get to fall in love, interact, and be a part of the lives of the adult version of your child. They are people with their own dreams, quirks, and courage.
Understanding success – Every parent and adult child is going to have a different definition of what it means to have “done a good job” as a parent. Perfection is virtually impossible; however, raising your child so they can make their own choices is success, even if those choices aren’t what you’d make.
You will have made mistakes – It is important to forgive yourself. The impatience, the frustration, the things you would do differently now but didn’t know then. Allow that you did your best, forgive yourself, not just for your kids, but for yourself.
Your popularity will ebb and flow – If your child or children are adults now, congratulations, you have survived the teenage years. Your children will alternately love you and hate you. They may pull away, but know that as adults they will return emotionally, spiritually, and physically in cycles … just like you may have done with your parents. Use these opportunities to build your relationships as much as you can.
Life Lessons – You have many experiences, knowledge, and can see the consequences of actions likely better than your children. There will be times when they won’t listen to your warnings, and they will have to learn the hard way. Love sometimes means stepping back and letting life teach its lessons. Being present afterwards with support and encouragement will be appreciated as long as you never use “I told you so ….”
New Traditions, together – Holidays, birthdays, vacations, and other events will all be different. As parents, you will have to share and modify what you do to continue to be part of your children’s lives. It will look different but invite them into that evolution. Co-create something new and meaningful.
Reinvent yourself, build connections – You have the opportunity to allow your children to teach you new ways of thinking about gender, relationships, culture, and technology. Keep an open mind, listen, and talk to them about their thoughts and opinions. Your relationship isn’t based on authority anymore; it’s built on connections and trust.
Make sure they know they always have a place to go – Your role does change, parents play a complicated role in the lives of their children but I believe it is important to know that no matter what, no matter when, and no matter for what reason; if they need a safe place to go, they always have one with you.
Your parents went through this – Maybe they were successful, maybe they weren’t. You have the opportunity to build on what they did well and to try to avoid those things they did poorly. Reach out to your own parents; they have been where you are now, and they can help you once again with this. Like you, they would likely appreciate being part of the decision when it comes to their children.
Writing this post has been emotional for me; all of these issues are part of what, as parents, my wife and I are living right now. Our children are 32, 27, and 24; all three are living some distance away, and all have experienced the ups and downs that life brings. We are proud of them, love them, and want to be there for them as well as being part of their lives.
Parenthood doesn’t end, it’s not over, it’s just different.
Good luck,