Each day we make decisions.
Some so small and minor that they are instantly forgettable, like brushing our teeth. Others can be major and life-altering. Some we make them quickly and effortlessly. Others cause us to worry and agonize about them. They make us afraid and paralyzed with fear of choosing the wrong thing. Many fall in between depending on the importance of the situation.
We are all faced with keys, doors, and choices.
It helps to remember that everyone makes mistakes, even people who always seem to make all the right choices.
While it might seem your life only has a certain number of key decision days, where the choices you make will fundamentally change your life, days like deciding to get married or not, to have children or not, to take a risk on a new career, all of these stand out in our memories; ironically however, just about every day you experience is a key day.
Whether you are aware or not, every day you come within seconds of accidents, or meeting someone new that could change your career or life path; most of the time we never appreciate those situations. For example, crossing the road can be dangerous, texting while you are walking or driving, staying in an unsatisfactory job, etc. “Key days” are those times when our conscious decisions affect the rest of our lives life and there is no going back. As always, some doors open, and others close.
This reality can paralyze some people. Even people who actively make good choices can be haunted by doubts, sometimes for years afterward. Making good decisions is a learned skill and people who have regrets about decisions should realize everyone does, it is a very human characteristic. While regrets can help make future decisions we should try not to dwell too much in the past as it can distract us from what needs to be done now and in the future.
With hindsight many of us would make different choices after we see the consequences of our decisions; however, life doesn’t work that way. Remember everyone does the best they can, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn to make better decisions and the best way to do that is to have a process to follow.
First, when faced with a situation that requires a choice, the first thing to do, using the time available is to determine the relevant facts. The ability to see what is important and what is not is another learned skill and this skill will improve with time and practice. It is important to realize rarely we will have all of the facts we require and often we have to make the best decision we can.
Second, to make the best decision, using the time available, examine what alternatives are possible. Try not to limit yourself to just what you can think of. Develop a network of people you can ask for input, this is not abdicating your responsibility, this is expanding and widening the number of choices to consider.
And finally, third, evaluate the alternatives available and then make the best choice you can in the time available. The best choice you can make is always the correct one; however, the second best is the wrong one, the worst choice you can make is to avoid making a decision because choosing to do nothing means other people will make the choice for you.
A danger of failing to use this process is “shooting from the hip.” Too often people feel pressured and panicked and make a decision without using all of the time and information they have at their disposal. Remember it’s “ready, aim, shoot,” not “shoot, aim, ready.” Too often people forget about the aim and ready components. In whatever time you have, whether it’s 3 seconds or 3 days, examine all of the facts that you can access. Try to see beyond what might seem like the only alternative and step back to examine the problem from as many perspectives as you can. Then make the best decision among those alternatives.
If you follow this simple process, the more decisions you make the better you will get at making decisions.
Once a person makes a decision and implements it, it is equally important to consider the following three questions.
What did I do right? Even if the decision or choice is the wrong one, examine any thoughts or processes that did work. There are almost always elements of a decision that are worth remembering and reusing.
What did I do wrong? The ability to self-correct and/or listen to comments and feedback from those people around you, your supervisors, and your clients key to improving your decision-making abilities. Direct feedback is better than anonymous feedback even though criticism may be difficult to hear.
What would I do differently next time? When you make any decision, right or wrong, always ask yourself, “What did I learn?” Learning and applying those lessons the next time is the hallmark of a person who can make effective choices. Mistakes will still occur; however, when faced with keys, doors, and choices, people who apply these lessons will grow faster and become better at dealing with situations because they are constantly improving.
You will make the wrong decisions. You will regret how you did things. Sometimes it will be expensive. Know this and realize that every one is going to experience similar setbacks as you. Try to avoid reliving past mistakes. “Remember the lesson but try to leave the mistake in the past.”
A good exercise to help you is to help other people. Share your experiences, good and bad. A smart person learns from their mistakes, but a wiser person learns from the mistakes of those around them. Sharing experiences will help make you seem less intimidating to people if they realize that you make mistakes as well. A leader or mentor with humility will have a greater impact on those people around them than one who always seems to be perfect and aloof.
Often it is easy to become paralysed when presented with too many choices. People worry: “What if I make a mistake, I won’t be able to go back” … that is true, but that is true most of the time. We are all exposed to so many choices, particularly the younger we are. Learning how to effectively make choices is one of the most fundamental abilities to cope, grow, and thrive. Know that being engaged in the decisions that shape your life is so much better than simply allowing life to happen to you.
Know that timing will rarely ever be perfect. Often you have to trust your intuition and make decisions without having all of the facts to make a 100% safe decision. For many people, there is a natural inclination to say that “I’m not ready” or that “time just isn’t right.” However, often time is a factor, and you will have to make the best decision you can.
Apply the tools of this post and consider the impact on these common “keys, doors, and choices.”
In high school asking for a date for the first time. Many people, myself included, avoided this situation, fearing rejection. The facts are that everyone feels this way for the first time. The alternatives are taking a chance and not risking the possibility. The decision, while difficult, can change so many things for a person, if they say “Yes” know how wonderful that might be; and even if they say “No,” then at least you know.
Professionally or academically, volunteering to make a presentation despite being deathly afraid of public speaking. Consider the fact you feel uncomfortable, look at alternatives to help you overcome your fears and prepare, and then make the decision to do what is difficult. The reward of adding this ability to your “tools” will repay you many times in the future, as opposed to simply declining the opportunity. People who look like they always are comfortable in these situations are likely just as nervous as you are, they just have developed “tools” to help them cope.
Other examples might include, saying “No” to an opportunity of getting into a car driven by someone high or who has been drinking; at work, having that difficult conversation about asking for a raise or promotion; deciding to look for another job; leaving an abusive partner; deciding where to live, what house or apartment to choose, and many more as well. Your ability to make easy and difficult choices using this process will improve by using this process.
We are all provided with keys, doors, and choices and we are a product of those decisions we make. You are presented with choices every day; each one will affect your life. Know that you will make mistakes and that is okay. Learn from the good choices you make and learn from the bad choices. Making choices and decisions means that you are an active participant in your life, not a passive observer of the ups and downs that are going to happen in your life.
Good luck,
Paul.