About a week ago I met with one of my younger job seekers who is currently in their second year of a difficult college program. I hadn’t met with them for a few months because they weren’t actively looking for a job, but when we met, they were obviously stressed; mostly by school, but also by money, and life. Our conversation reminded me of something that happened many years ago, while I was in university.
A professor had asked my class to write down everything we were stressed about. We were tired, and it was a three-hour lecture near the end of the semester, so it was no problem writing a list of things that were bothering us. We compared notes, and then the professor downplayed our concerns in a memorable lack of compassion, telling us we were living in the best part of our lives and that we shouldn’t worry or stress so much. I’m sure it wasn’t his intention to come across as incredibly callus, but that’s how it felt.
Maybe he had forgotten how stressful life can be when starting out, but his attitude certainly did not help. Later, he explained that older adults usually face as much or more stress as students; however, what he missed was that they are usually better prepared to handle that stress.
It would have been more helpful for him to offer some guidance as a pathway through our stress. Today, I work with adults; some older ones, many in the middle, and quite a few young adults. Unlike my long-tenured professor, I would like to offer some tips on how to help.
Exams – The pressure is extreme. Sometimes they are worth 100% of the course grade. My tips: Don’t skip classes, especially near the end of the semester! Often instructors will offer helpful hints as to what to study in-depth, and what to pass over. Start reviewing up to two weeks before the exam and try to avoid cramming or pulling all-nighters. Instead, review in 30-minute chunks, take breaks, eat properly, and be well-rested. Studying what you are not good at might seem obvious, but some people tend to avoid challenging subjects. In the exam, read all the questions and then answer them in the sequence of the ones you know the best, leaving the others until the end. If you finish early, take that extra time to read over your exam to make sure that you haven’t missed anything, or made any obvious mistakes.
Study habits – Few of us have great study habits. We study the way we have learned; my suggestion is to ask for help, do some research and experiment with different methods, and constantly improve. What worked in high school does not work as well in post-secondary, or in a professional work environment. There are tutorials available at most schools, online, or in webinars … use them!
Setting ourselves up for failure – In my opinion multi-tasking is a myth; we can only focus on one task at a time. When we are under stress, often it is caused by trying to do too many things at the same time. Learning how to prioritize tasks and focus on the steps that have to be taken to accomplish a goal when everything seems to be happening at the same time is very important. Recognize when “action paralysis” happens; take a deep breath and get organized. You cannot do everything but you can do something, you just need to take the first step.
Life balance – As I write this, I feel tension in my back muscles. I am feeling pressure or stress, and rather than working through it, I am going to take a break, relax, and get re-centered. Too often I have ignored these warning signs and ended up not accomplishing what I wanted to. Learn what your signs are and listen to them.
When you fall behind – It happens, and when it does it only increases the pressure. As with tension, stop, take a break, and create a plan while re-prioritizing what needs to be done. Your plan may require asking for more help or extra time; do so as soon as possible. You may have to postpone or cancel other activities, but that is all part of reprioritizing.
Whose expectations are driving you? – Yours or those of others? You will often have to decide when faced with overwhelming demands and limited capacity, but at the end of the day do what you feel is important, even at the risk of alienating your family or friends.
You have all the time there is – Ultimately decisions have to be made and you will not be able to do everything that might need to be done. When making a decision, look at all of the facts available to you, examine all of the alternatives you have, and then make the best decision you can. Afterward, review and decide what you did right, what you did wrong, and what lessons can you apply for the next decision, then move forward.
You are going to fuck up – Don’t be so worried about past mistakes that you make more. When it happens, learn the lesson and move ahead. Until time travel is a reality, you cannot correct your mistakes, and like everyone else, you will continue to mess up; learn what you can and move forward. The worst thing you can do is be so afraid of making a mistake that you suffer from “action paralysis.”
Comfort zones and public speaking – Most of us don’t use those two phrases together very often. While nerve-wracking, especially in the beginning, developing the ability to speak in public is one of the most valuable and useful skills you can have. Few find it easy, but you can do it. Like most things, practicing it makes it better. Don’t look at everyone at the same time, speak to one person at a time for about 5 seconds then move to the next. Try not to hold your notes because if you are like me, your hands will shake. Be prepared and try not to read to your audience. Volunteer to go first; you will be graded more easily, few are paying attention because they are worried about going next, you will stand out for all of the right reasons, and then it is over with. The more you do, the more you will enjoy doing it, but like me, you will always be nervous and it is okay.
Know when enough is enough – Work, life, and school (of any kind) is a lot and it is hard work; when it becomes too much, speak up and acknowledge that something has to give. Change paths, re-prioritize, and/or reset your goals when you reach this point.
You are not the first person to be overwhelmed – Know you can get help and use it. Whether at school or working there is help for what you are experiencing and there is no stigma about asking for or receiving it. Too many people struggle quietly and away from other people without ever using those resources that could make a difference … use them.
Working too much, rent, food, clothes, and rolling change to pay for gas – Money is always an issue at some point. Whether working while going to school or starting your career, money is almost always tight. Learn what resources are available, apply for as many scholarships as possible, use food banks or community meal programs as necessary, and ask for government support; if you have to work, try to minimize the number of hours necessary.
Getting a job, keeping a job, quitting, or getting fired – If you are like many people, you will experience each of these. Get help to find the right job, it’s available for free; almost every community will have resources available. Keeping a job is work, but again help is available. Quitting is something that happens and will happen to you. If you ever get fired, know that you can learn from it, learn the lessons, and then apply them. I have been fired, I don’t like how it feels and I don’t ever want to experience it again, but you can do many things to save yourself and you can develop resiliency when it does happen.
Picking yourself back up – Setbacks happen. Failure happens. Loss happens. Each tears you apart somewhat. Don’t let it win. Seek out help, allow yourself to not be perfect, and talk to your friends, counselors, teachers, and mentors; you will find they understand and will help.
Drugs, alcohol, addictions – Readily available but not helpful. I do not promote abstinence, but I do promote moderation. Alcohol may be the most dangerous of all drugs and any addiction is unhealthy. I recommend taking a Mental Health First Aid Course, in many ways these courses are more useful than the standard first aid course many of us regularly attend. Recognizing mental health and addictions are very common and having the tools to treat them are among your most important life skills.
Friends, co-workers, and relationships – College, University, and working are important for what they can do for you; but equally important are the social connections you make while doing all three. People will come into and leave your life, some will be good, some not so much. Do your best work all the time, but also understand that having fun, being a good person and a good friend is equally important too.
Tomorrows do come – When I began writing this I was thinking back to the University version of me; however, as I wrote I thought about the people I work with, the job seekers I work for, my own family and children, and people I see every day. No matter our problems and stress, tomorrows do arrive and you will have the opportunity to survive. You will either win and succeed, or you will fail and you will learn; either way, you win. While you should never stop trying you should recognize the signs of stress; step back, regroup, replan, and if your direction changes that is okay too.
Does this help?
Maybe a little?
For my young job seeker, know you will make mistakes; you will make bad decisions; you will have bad luck. You will also make very positive choices; you will learn; and you will have good luck. You are more than the sum result of your choices so do your best and try to avoid spending too much time on regret; remember it doesn’t really matter how you got to where you are, what matters is what you do now and moving forward.
Good luck,
Paul