This isn’t for the valedictorian.
It’s for the student who walks into school and hopes no one notices they’re there.
I was one of the invisible students. Not by accident, but by choice. I was bullied, and I quickly learned that being noticed came at a cost. So, I did what a lot of students do: I got quiet, I stayed out of the way, and I tried to make myself someone no one would see.
At the time, it felt like survival. And in some ways, it was.
But when you spend enough time trying not to be seen, something else happens. You don’t just disappear from other people; you start disappearing from yourself.
I was reminded of that recently while listening to a valedictorian speech. It was a good speech, confident, polished, and full of optimism. The kind of speech that reflects the best parts of high school. But it didn’t reflect my experience.
It spoke to the students who thrived, the high achievers, the ones surrounded by friends, the ones who will look back on those years as some of the best of their lives.
It didn’t speak to the ones like me.
Nobody wants to be invisible.
Every person entering high school comes from a different background. Some are born with all of the advantages imaginable. Some come from abusive families and have practically had to raise themselves. Others are smart, some are not yet. We come in all shapes and sizes. Yet all are susceptible to becoming invisible.
What does it mean to be invisible? For me, it was the feeling of being in a classroom or public place with a bully who would single me out for teasing, taunting, and even physical threats at any point. That fear made me stop answering questions in class, avoid school events, and refrain from participating in sports or other extracurricular activities. I mostly succeeded, but the cost for other similar students and me was never worth it.
I couldn’t help but think about the impact of a valedictorian speaking to students like me entering Grade 9. I couldn’t imagine the impact of having teachers and senior students telling new students just what is possible and then actually working with me to develop an action plan to cover all of the steps necessary, especially for the “invisibles like me” to achieve those lofty goals. I just felt isolated, and those feelings only got worse with time.
At some point, the cost becomes too much, and what follows is how I started stepping out of invisibility, one decision at a time.
Getting out of your own head
It’s okay to feel awkward. Every single person does, even adults. Any time a person is outside their comfort zone, they will feel nervous and unsure of themselves – it is completely natural and to be expected. So many people compare their initial efforts to those of people who have had lots of practice: not only is it an unfair comparison, but it also really leads to increasing a vulnerable person’s anxiety.
Similarly, anyone just starting high school is going to have many cringeworthy things happen to them. This, too, is perfectly normal, but it doesn’t seem that way at the time, and that threat only serves to make us want to be even more invisible.
If you are not one of the “popular” kids, like me, don’t sweat it; just be yourself, even if you have no idea what that means. In my experience, high schools tend to reinforce conformity, and you need to remember that there is nothing wrong with being unique, and often, there are long-term advantages. Standing out is not a bad thing, especially if done in a positive way.
High School is supposed to be an opportunity to expand your horizons. If you are invisible or becoming invisible, the process of “out” is a path with many steps. You don’t have to do everything in one day, but if there is something you want to do, try it. The first time you try anything, don’t expect it to work the first time, or the second time.
Taking small visible risks
Pick out your own clothes; if your parents are still buying your clothes, it’s time for you to start to change that.
When something is bothering you, talk to someone. There are so many resources available that you can start anonymously. Use 211 as a resource; everyone knows how to call 911 in an emergency, but if you need information, 211 does the same thing. There are 24-hour-a-day kid’s helplines, teachers, and counsellors; all can help.
Bigger Steps
In school, volunteer to answer questions. Yes, you might be teased by some other students for “sucking up,” or you might even get the answer wrong, but that’s okay, you are at least trying. Your education is for you, not for them. By volunteering, teachers will notice you, and they will notice that you are trying. Teachers are valuable supports, and most try really hard to make a difference. They have too many demands on their time and too few hours to notice everyone, but volunteering is a way to start to get on their radar. If you are more involved in class, the more interesting it will become.
Paul’s Note: “The first time I put my hand up, it wasn’t about the answer, it was about taking back a small piece of control.”
If there is someone you like and you want to ask them out, start by learning about them and listening to what they like. Ask them to the movies or whatever you want but be interested in them and don’t just talk about things you like. Plan what you are going to say, expect that the first-time things might go poorly (see cringe-worthy), but don’t give up.
Start to get involved in activities. Join a sports team if that is what you want, drama, whatever, even if you do not know anyone. I know one of the hardest things to do is to try new things where no one knows who you are, but by taking chances and taking steps out of the shadows, you are starting to build yourself.
Paul’s Note: “Trying something new wasn’t about being good at it; it was about doing something that wasn’t decided by fear.”
If you get a part-time job during school or in the summer, don’t overdo it. Most of us are likely going to work for most of our adult lives: have a job for extra money but limit the hours so you can get your schoolwork done and also have a social life.
Protecting yourself
This is different than protecting yourself by becoming invisible. Fears, pressure, and anxieties are very real and actually can help us learn to make a difference and thrive; however, unlike the suffocating “cloak of invisibility,” protecting yourself doesn’t have to mean withdrawing again.
Be careful about carrying other people’s burdens. Being a good friend is important, but be careful about internalizing their issues, inadvertently making them yours, and not having the tools yet yourself on how to help.
Smoking, alcohol, and drugs are a part of our society. Before you try anything, talk to someone you feel comfortable talking to before trying it. Somethings are relatively harmless, and then others can have severe and lifelong impacts. Alcohol, the most readily available, may be the most dangerous of all.
Bullies. I realized that bullies are everywhere, and I didn’t suddenly become fearless. What changed was that I stopped letting them decide everything else in my life. I took steps to reduce their power over me by building my confidence, by not letting the teasing and taunting bother me, and in my own particular case, by exercising so I was not as easy to intimidate.
Sex, done right, is a lot of fun; done wrong can be life-altering for everyone. Protection is necessary for the most obvious reasons, but also to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. There is a lot of misinformation, and remember, don’t do anything just because someone is pressuring you to do it. You are in control of your body, and if that isn’t respected, let someone know.
Also, sex is something that can be cringeworthy the first few times, but like everything else, it can get better with practice.
Comparisons through social media, peer pressure, your expectations, and/or through conversations may be helpful and often will not be. Be careful not to compare your everyday reality with the highlight reels that you will see online. Growing up is not a race, and comparisons to anyone other than yourself are not helpful.
Paul’s Note: “I knew I had to stop measuring myself against people who weren’t living my experience.”
Reality checks about people
Don’t be surprised or hurt if some of your friends change. Everyone changes somewhat in High School, some people more than others do, and while it might seem personal, it does happen, and as much as it may hurt, it is part of growing and becoming who you want to be.
Know that you are not always going to agree with your parent(s), and that is okay. In fact, there will be times when you will really hate them. It’s not easy on anyone, but it is part of growing up. Hopefully, it won’t happen very much, but when it does, understand that it is all part of what happens to everyone. Developing your own opinions is good, even if they are different from your parent(s).
You will have teachers that you will not like and, surprisingly, may not like you for any number of reasons. You will have to learn in spite of your and their feelings. Some will deserve a second chance, and some are just bad teachers. Most though are just over-worked and appreciating this fact may help to understand their motivation.
Relax. The best reality check is for you. Becoming visible or increasing your visibility is about you, about what you want for yourself and those you care about, and it is about finding the best way possible at the time you are doing it, to succeed. Progress, not perfection, should be your constant goal and mantra.
Paul’s Note: “If you feel invisible right now, I understand why. I was there too. But being invisible doesn’t mean you have nothing, it usually means you’ve been giving too much of yourself away.”
Shifting your self-identity is not easy. It doesn’t happen all at once, and it doesn’t happen without doubt. It took me years. There were times I questioned whether anything was actually changing.
I was teased. I was bullied. Sometimes I made mistakes. Other times, I held back because I had seen what happened to people who didn’t. And for a long time, that fear made staying invisible feel like the safer choice.
But it came at a cost.
High school is supposed to be a time where things are exciting and full of possibility. Parts of it will be. But for a lot of people, parts of it are difficult in ways that aren’t always visible to anyone else.
If that’s where you are, then understand this: nothing changes all at once. It starts small.
The first time you speak up.
The first time you try something new.
The first time you do something that isn’t decided by fear.
Those moments don’t seem like much at the time, but they add up.
That’s how I started to come back.
Not all at once. Not perfectly. But one decision at a time.
If you feel invisible right now, I understand why. I was there too. But being invisible doesn’t mean you have nothing. It usually means you’ve been giving too much of yourself away.
You don’t become visible all at once.
You take something back. Then another.
Until one day, you realize you’re no longer disappearing.
Paul.