It’s not what I expected.
Before each of our children was born, like many soon-to-be parents we read the popular books “What to Expect When You Are Expecting, What to Expect with a 1-year-old, and then a 2-year-old, but then the series stopped and suddenly we were on our own. When talking to other parents, they agreed. We all could have used something for the teenage years. Now that our kids are adults and our friend’s kids are reaching the same milestones, we would benefit even more with a little help to navigate the minefields that come from being a parent with adult children.
After talking to friends and colleagues, we decided to make a few notes, share them with anyone who has had similar experiences, and invite their comments and tips.
The quiet – For so long our family lives built up from the hustle and chaos of bringing your babies home from the hospital, through the pre-school years, school, sports, friends, high school, dating, then college/working/jobs; and then suddenly it’s over. If you have more than one child, then it can happen more gradually, but “the quiet” will happen. Like most parents, I/we weren’t ready, perhaps nobody is ever ready; but it is a major adjustment. You will find yourselves standing in the quiet of your child’s old room, wondering how it went so quickly.
Before continuing, although you will feel melancholy from time to time, especially over how abruptly it happens, this post is meant to be positive. Embracing your children’s adulthood will make your transition better and help forge new chapters in your relationship.
Be careful of guilt – Some parents use guilt to influence and manipulate their children, and some children use guilt to manipulate their parents, sometimes on purpose and sometimes without really considering the effects of statements made in anger or under stress. Neither is helpful and will lead to resentment and drive a wedge into relationships that need understanding and accommodation more than anything else.
Try to avoid regret – As a parent, you have had to compromise and make decisions, some of which were positive and many were negative; remember you did the best you could at the time and with the pressures you were facing. Nobody expects their parents to be perfect.
Mental health and addiction, getting help, stigma, and denial – According to statistics from the Canadian Mental Health Association, one in five people will experience some form of mental health or addiction issue this year. It happens and statistically, it could happen to someone in your family. If it does, embrace and support the person and realize they need your understanding and support even more. Seek help, seek education, and try to view things from a trauma-informed perspective.
Every day your children need you less – Many of us know this when we see our children for the very first time; their independence is something that grows with their first breath of air; it’s why families exist. Awareness of this human reality isn’t something to be feared it’s something we should use to build, strengthen, and enjoy our evolving relationship with our children, our parents, and our extended family every moment of every day.
College, University, and first jobs – Expect trips home will be less often than you would like. Dirty laundry will be a common presence when they arrive; visiting their old friends may take time from your visiting time, and when they leave, “the quiet” will almost hurt again. This is the time to be more understanding and to work harder to fit into their new lives.
How do you declutter without losing your and their memories – It’s going to be hard, and there will be misunderstandings and accidental upsets. Parents everywhere struggle with the desire to “keep things the same” while avoiding leaving bedrooms as a “shrine to a certain period in their child’s life. Encourage your children to keep those things that have meaning and value and part with the rest. Always have a space for them, but their lives and needs change, so allowing their space in your home to change as well is important.
Mum and Dad’s storage company – This is understandable, particularly while your children are away at school or starting their first jobs particularly now given how expensive housing is. Things accumulate, movement is frequent, and it can cause real stress for you as parents and for your children. Try to keep all of the important things and know eventually, those items of value will move with your children and maybe even become of value to your grandchildren (more about them later).
Advice – When your children were small, you were their source for everything; as they grow, advice on cars, jobs, friends, people, jobs, and everything else often seems to come from everyone but you. If you are going to build a strong relationship with your children as adults, know you will not always agree, and know they will make mistakes, but as much as it hurts, make sure you are there to support them when they need it.
Dealing with failures, setbacks, and fights – See advice. Failing, fighting, and mistakes happen; so do forgiveness, learning, and appreciation.
MTF/FTM, binary, and more – This is 2025, and sexuality has never been as fluid as it is today. Your children are not you; they are not your parents; love them, support them, provide them with non-judgmental information, and remember your children are your children regardless of how they look, feel, or interpret their sexuality.
New partners, dealing with holidays and Christmas, and sharing time – How you deal with these dynamics is important to keeping your relationship with your children strong. Make new partners feel welcome, remember what it was like for you, and remember to avoid guilt and making anyone feel regret for trying to compromise during the holidays and any other time as well.
Losing influence and dealing with bad decisions – Being a parent is tough, being ignored is even tougher, and resisting the urge to say, “You made your bed, so sleep in it” is vitally important. You will need to work hard to keep building your relationship even when these things happen. Listen, offer help, listen, listen, listen.
Distance and visiting – Do not wait for your children to visit you, especially if they have children of their own. Building relationships will ebb and flow when it comes to effort; often you will find to build a strong relationship you may have to give more than you get at times.
Boundaries and growth – Micro-managing and keeping too firm of a grip are rarely good ways of developing people, and your children are no different. The rules of the game have changed, and holding onto the old rules will not be beneficial respect your children’s boundaries and allow them to grow.
Bank of Mum and Dad – There will come times when they have no place else to turn it has happened to me as a parent and could likely happen to you. Offering zero interest and repayable when they can terms, allows your children space and time to regroup and rebuild if you can manage to.
What to expect when you are expecting grandchildren – This is totally outside of your control don’t bug or pressure your children to have children. When and if it does happen, wait, be patient, and do not compare their children to them, especially in front of your son/daughter-in-law unless it is a very positive comparison.
Becoming more than just a parent again – This can be a struggle; for so many years you have been the money-maker and simply known as somebody’s parent. Children are all-encompassing, and you will never stop worrying about them, but when they move out; suddenly you have time to be just a person again, and that adjustment can be difficult. You are not alone though; seek out and connect with people, get involved in your community; find things and experiences that expand your world.
Rebuilding your own relationships – The same struggle to identify who you are again can also be complicated with your partner. You have to work and practice being a couple again to have fun rather than just being exhausted, as can happen so often when you have kids at home.
How did you become so old – Aging sneaks up on you. Time seems to accelerate while you are wrapped up in the day-to-day living that happens when your kids are growing up when you emerge out the other side, quite often you are in your fifties or older, and that realization requires some time and adjustment.
Avoid the trap of becoming your parents – Each generation has its strengths and weaknesses, and what worked twenty or thirty years ago doesn’t necessarily work today. Your life moving forward will require different strategies.
Your children are different they are not you – My greatest desire has always been for my children to be happy and healthy. It is difficult to see them not wanting help sometimes, to do things that you feel will end poorly, and to see them influenced by people who do not always seem to have their best interests at heart. You have to trust them, allow them to make mistakes, let them live their lives, and yet always be there to help pick up the pieces.
You never stop being a parent – Your life changed when your children were born; no matter how old they are, no matter how old you are, you will always be a parent. It is okay to worry, to care, to try, to get frustrated, to get angry, it is part of the process.
Ultimately, you do your best.
We don’t have all of the answers, nobody does, but everyone does the best they can at the time. You can prepare though; you can seek professional help if you are struggling, and you can talk to your children, not as children, but as adults, as friends. Maybe some of these few points might just help you on your journey.
Good Luck,
Paul