Not long ago, I was listening to an online commentator discussing a valedictorian speech given by a local graduating student. The speech was excellent and typical of many other valedictorian speeches I have heard. Still, at that moment, it struck me. The speech was perfect for those high achievers, the popular students, those kids for whom high school was full of good and great memories. What was lacking was any mention or comment about those students who were not part of that group, those students for whom High School was and is not a good experience, one of those students who are “one of the invisible.”
This message is particularly timely as students, parents, and teachers everywhere are preparing for a new school year. We can change a life, yours, your child’s, or that of a friend. We need to recognize the disparities, and we need to do so in a trauma-informed way and consciously help to allow more students and their families to thrive in their teenage years.
Every young person entering or returning to high school comes from a different background. Some are born into families with all of the advantages imaginable. Some come from abusive families and have practically had to raise themselves and/or their siblings. Some live with disabilities, some have any number of other barriers, ranging from being new to our country to being unsure of where their place is in our community.
Who are “the invisibles?” I was one. I had been bullied. When I attended high school, my school was a grade 7 to 13 mixture of young adults, aged 17-19, and students aged 11, like I was. I was not alone; like me, many students grew to avoid answering questions because of the teasing. Being physically smaller because of my age, I was unable to do many of the things that even students 6 months older could do. Students like me withdraw; they don’t want to be noticed, they avoid eye contact, they don’t participate in clubs, activities, and other student events. The worst thing is, because everyone is so busy, few people notice; parents notice but often aren’t able to do much about it, and left unchecked, the trauma worsens with each passing year.
I couldn’t help but think about the impact of having a valedictorian speak to students just entering Grade 9 or who are new to that school. Imagine the impact of having teachers and senior students telling and showing new students what is possible and then actually working with them to develop an action plan to cover all of the steps necessary, especially for the “invisibles” to start to achieve small goals to help lay the groundwork for those lofty goals eschewed by the valedictorian.
Making a difference is not easy, but it is necessary. For the invisible, high school is not a highlight reel of sports and academics. It is not a comfortable place. For these kids, high school is full of bullies, frustration, anger, loneliness, and sometimes drugs and a desire for it simply to be over. Although it is improving, slowly, for students living with disabilities and barriers, the situation can be much more difficult. Special education classes can tend to group students of many differing abilities into one space, which can ignore the specialized needs of people who are neurodiverse.
How can we make a difference?
From the earliest grades, see and acknowledge how trauma creates invisible students. Every child is different, but all children respond to encouragement, the creation of safe places, to reassurance when they don’t know an answer, to acknowledging that children who are neurodiverse can contribute and thrive, and to appreciating that those of us who have barriers may need a little extra help.
It’s okay to fail. We seem to live with the expectation that somehow failing is a bad thing. We are human beings and whenever we try something new, it is very unlikely that we will be perfect; but that is okay, learning “how” to fail and “how” to learn from that failure is something even most adults should learn, but especially young students whose confidence can be shattered by failing in front of their peers.
Explain that it’s okay to feel awkward. Every single person does, even adults, and often several times a day, especially during stressful situations. Any time a person is outside their comfort zone, they will feel nervous and unsure of themselves – it is completely natural and to be expected. So many people compare their initial efforts to those of people who have had lots of practice: not only is it an unfair comparison, but it unfairly leads to a dramatic and cumulative increase in a vulnerable student’s anxiety, self-image, and ability to want to continue to try to stand out.
Cringe-worthy things will happen. For anyone just starting high school, the awkwardness, life changes, hormonal changes, and age differences are going to lead to many cringe-worthy situations. Students need reassurance that this, too, is perfectly normal, but it doesn’t seem that way at the time, and when that reassurance is missing, these situations only serve to grow that desire to be even more invisible.
If you are not one of the “popular,” don’t sweat it. Our need to belong, to be accepted, and to be included is “hard-wired” into us as human beings. My advice is to be yourself, even if you have no idea what “being yourself” means just yet. In my experience, I see many high school environments tending to reinforce conformity, and there is nothing wrong with being unique. Learning that standing out is not a bad thing, especially if done positively.
There is time. We all need to remember high school is an opportunity to expand horizons, but it doesn’t have to happen all in one day, one month, or even one year. The important point to remember is that if there is something you want to do, try it. The first time you try anything, don’t expect it to work perfectly the first time, or the second time, or maybe even the sixth time; but progress comes before perfection.
Keeping up appearances isn’t as important as some people think. The clothes you have, buy, and can afford are dependent on factors you may not be able to control, such as income and opportunity. Work with what you have and can afford and strive for what makes you feel comfortable rather than trying to match anyone else.
If something is bothering you, talk to someone. There are resources available, and it’s okay to ask. Use 211 as a resource; everyone knows to call 911 in an emergency, but if you need information, 211 can be a valuable point of reference, and it is open 24/7/365. There are kids’ helplines and new resources such as 488 as well. No matter how bad any situation may seem, seeking help is always a good step, and gaining different perspectives will make a difference.
Expect to disagree with parents. You are not always going to agree with your parent(s). In fact, there will be times when you will really hate them. It’s not easy on anyone, but it is part of growing up. Hopefully, it won’t happen very much, but when it does, understand that it happens to everyone. Developing your own opinions is good, even if they are different from your parent(s).
Volunteer to answer questions. Yes, if you haven’t been encouraged to do this or supported when you have answered incorrectly, this can be difficult, but it is important. You might be teased by some other students for “sucking up,” or you might even get the answer wrong, but that’s okay, you are at least trying. Your education is for you, not for those people who tease you. By volunteering, most teachers will notice you, appreciate your effort, and this is one of many ways to start controlling your decisions and abilities to direct your future. Know that teachers make good references for academic advancement, for jobs, and if you are more involved in class, the more interesting the curriculum will become.
Engage. Begin to get involved in activities at school and in your community. Join a sports team if that is what you want, drama club, whatever, and anything that interests you. It might be difficult at first, especially if you do not know anyone there already. I know and understand that one of the hardest things to do is to try new things where no one knows who you are, but by taking chances and exercising your assertiveness, you will start to build yourself, gain support, and become visible.
Your friends may change. Don’t be surprised or hurt if this happens. Everyone changes as life happens, especially in high school, and some people more than others do. While it is easy to say to make new friends, that is exactly what you will do. Value your friends but know you may not be able to control who comes and who goes, so when someone exits, then look to see who might enter your life.
You will not like all your teachers. It happens, you will still have to learn despite your feelings or theirs. Some will deserve a second chance, and some are just bad teachers. Most are just overworked, and appreciating this fact may help to understand their motivation. Adapt and accommodate to learn from them what you need to learn.
School/life/part-time job balance. If you get a part-time job during school or in the summer, don’t overdo it. Now you are likely going to work for most of your adult life; as a student, have a job for extra money, but limit the hours so you can get your schoolwork done and also have a social life. Life is about people, interacting with them, learning about them, learning from them, and to be visible and enjoy your life, don’t work all of your time.
Dating or if there is someone you like and you want to ask them out, start by learning about them and listening to what they like. Ask them to the movies or whatever you want but be interested in them and don’t just talk about things you like. Plan what you are going to say, expect that the first time things might go poorly (see cringe-worthy), but don’t give up.
Be careful about carrying other people’s burdens. Being a good friend is important; however, be careful about internalizing their issues and making them yours. As you grow, your ability to manage perspectives evolves and increases; the pressures you and your friends will encounter will often seem overwhelming. When this happens, use the resources available to help you and your friends overcome the issues.
Hazards and Dangers. Smoking and drugs are just some of the temptations that you will encounter. They are powerful and very prevalent in society; before you try something, talk to someone you feel comfortable talking to. Some things are relatively harmless, and then others can have severe impacts. Alcohol falls into this category.
Sex. It happens. When it does, be careful. Understand that protection is necessary, and don’t do anything just because someone is pressuring you to do it. You are in control of your body, and if that isn’t respected, let someone know. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do just to be popular.
Social media, peer pressure, and your expectations. All of these may be helpful, and all or some may not. Be careful not to compare your everyday reality with the highlight reels that you will see online. Life is not a competition, and it is not a race. Often, it will seem that people will be better than you or able to learn faster than you; it can happen, but usually it is because they are more experienced or have tried something before you. Give yourself a break and allow yourself not to be good at something right away.
If you feel invisible. If you are a parent of someone you worry is becoming invisible. If you are a teacher and you see someone trying to be invisible or a friend of someone you are worried about. Act on your feeling by offering support, encouragement, and reassurance.
Nobody wants to be invisible. We know that invisible people have been teased, they have been bullied, they have made mistakes, or worse, they haven’t made mistakes but they have seen what happens to kids who have and they don’t want that to happen to them.
We, you, and people who care can break this cycle. Everyone’s goal for high school experiences should be to help make this experience as wonderful as possible. It is a tough journey, but it is doable. The reality is, parts of it will be great, and other parts will be a challenge. For the difficult times, remember, IT GETS BETTER. Who knows, maybe more people become aware, those of us who have been invisible might just become the valedictorians.
Good luck,
Paul
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