Nothing about difficult situations and angry people is ever simple.
Rarely is there one trigger and one solution. Nuance, exceptions, and the lack of anything resembling black and white all are factors in finding solutions to their problems. There is never just one or two sides to a story, there are usually forty-two sides!
This post is about a process, the tools, and the training required to anticipate, avoid, and ultimately how to deal with these situations when they occur.
This process can be applied to any sector, for-profit, not-for-profit, for internal staff issues, and customer or client issues.
Our Reality:
It would seem people are becoming less tolerant, angrier, and more abusive each day. Whether this is true or not doesn’t matter, the people dealing with angry people believe it. Covid-19, inflation, budget stresses, family dynamics, and a hundred other reasons contribute to stressing people and situations that can rapidly deescalate into a major confrontation.
A way forward:
Understand that people are going to get angry. Pretending that it won’t happen or justifying not addressing this truth because it is rare, doesn’t help anyone.
Some people have learned that by getting angry, whomever they are dealing with will respond to them more quickly. Other people are legitimately upset because they perceive that they have been treated poorly.
The most important thing is to understand that difficult people are not necessarily angry with you. They are upset because you represent the source of their frustration.
Difficult people have a problem or many problems, they are frustrated and you represent authority; therefore, you are the target of their behavior. Not internalizing their anger and understanding this premise will allow the person handling the problem to take the necessary steps to deescalate and diffuse the problem and to begin working to resolve the problem.
Remember that someone upset isn’t necessarily abusive. If we don’t handle their problem well, they may become abusive. The goal is to get them to explain what is happening so their problem can be solved and to prevent them from becoming abusive.
There is a need for you to recognize the difference between anger and abuse. Anger manifests in many different ways, raised voice, turning red, etc. Anger and abusive behavior is intended consciously or unconsciously to control you. Ranting, insulting, and/or intimidation are examples of abusive behavior and you should want to diffuse those behaviors to prevent escalation from anger to abuse. When escalation has occurred and the behaviors switch to yelling, finger-pointing, swearing, physical contact, and/or threats, the organization’s supervisors must come to the assistance of the original associate.
The key point is that people that are angry or abusive are trying to express their frustration and control your behavior so you will help them.
The Rules:
Just like a game, the behavior that occurs in difficult situations is characterized by certain patterns that repeat over and over again. That behavior, just as in a game has certain rules.
Very often, angry people will try to “bait” you. Baiting can be verbal or non-verbal behaviors to get you to react, usually emotionally so that they can control you and get you to react the way that they want and to keep you off balance.
There are three basic rules in almost every difficult situation:
Rule #1: When attacked you will respond defensively, defensive statements usually have the “I” in them instead of “we,” for example, “I only work here,” or, “I am treating you fairly.” Try not to succumb to this common reaction to baiting.
Rule #2: When attacked you will counterattack, for example, “You have no right to talk to me that way,” “You aren’t listening to me.” These statements usually have the word “YOU” in them. As with Rule 1, try not to engage in this behavior as it prevents you from diffusing the situation.
Before the final rule, failing to follow any one of the three rules usually results in the “game” heating up instead of “cooling off”. Instead of “heating the game” we should remember:
Rule #3: Stop and ask yourself “What do angry people want?” Usually, angry people want:
- They want us to acknowledge their situation and their feelings – to listen!
- They want helpfulness and effort from us or at the very least the appearance of being helpful.
- They want to feel like they have choices or some measure of control.
- They want us to solve their problem.
- They want us to keep them informed, particularly when the solution requires a delay or waiting.
Awareness of these three rules is the key, once they are understood you can begin to solve their problems by using the principles of diffusion.
Taking action, Principles of diffusion:
Principle 1: Deal with their feelings first – acknowledge that you understand that they are upset and let them finish their story once. When they start repeating themselves, it is time to start being helpful. Making notes while they talk is always good, but don’t interrupt them to get details, you can always ask for clarity after they have finished the story the first time.
Principle 2: Avoid coming across as bureaucratic, never tell anyone, “That’s against our policy,” or don’t be aloof or overly formal, speak to them with empathy. Watch your body language, avoid crossing your arms or looking defensive. Explain that your organization has guidelines, not policies when dealing with people.
Principle 3: Each situation is different, use empathy and watch for reactions, what may have worked for someone else may not work this time. Understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. According to google, “Sympathy involves understanding from your perspective; empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding why they may have those particular feelings.”
Principle 4: Strive to control the situation. Your two major tasks are to acknowledge their feelings and to try to attempt to get them to respond to you.
Principle 5: Begin defusing early. Until the angry person can see your efforts, they may continue to try to “bait” you, it is important to recognize that they still aren’t convinced that you are trying to help them.
Principle 6: Be assertive, not aggressive or passive. Verbally, speak firmly and confidently, aggressiveness will escalate the problem, passivity may result in the angry person trying to bully you. Non-verbally, nod your head when they talk, take notes, and try to void making any negative facial expressions.
Principle 7: If you lose control of yourself, you lose period.
Principle 8: What you focus on, you get more of – acknowledge the problem and move on, don’t let the person repeat the problem over and over again – focus on solutions.
Principle 9: It is not always necessary, or possible, to solve a difficult problem immediately. Ask the person if, “Can I look into this and call you back?”, or by saying, “I might not be able to get the answer immediately, is it okay to call you tomorrow morning/afternoon?” This gives you some time to prepare some options. Remember people want effort and choices.
Principle 10: Try to prepare at least three options for them. Many times, you will not be able to do anything substantial; however, if the person knows you have tried will quite often make them lower their expectations and accept a solution that you can deliver. Allowing the person to choose the outcome also empowers them and often dramatically improves the situation.
Principle 11: Never tell an angry person that you “have to check with your manager”; as soon as you say that, you have given away your “power” to solve their problem. It is much better to say, “Let me check into this, can I call you back at ______”.
Principle 12: When a commitment is made, it must be fulfilled, for example, if you tell a person you will call them back – always call back at the time promised – even if there isn’t an answer yet.
Principle 13: Don’t reinforce their perception of their problem, for example, if there have been four similar problems this week and it is only Tuesday, never volunteer that information.
Principle 14: Don’t add more problems to solve by expanding the scope of their problem, for example, if you have a chronic complainer and you tell them before you have solved the first problem, “Do you have any other problems …”
Principle 15: Avoid inadvertent errors by giving out incorrect information. If the angry person is starting to trust you, an accidental mistake can undo everything and escalate their anger back to an abusive level.
Principle 16: Avoid High Risk/High Gain Behavior, for example, using humor or sarcasm can quickly degenerate from an intention to lighten the situation to one that is completely out of control.
Principle 17: Role Play scenarios, practice using better language. Realistic role-playing allows better ways to handle situations to be developed and it gives people the confidence they need to perform in real-life situations.
Examples of how practicing and role-playing provides better ways of saying the same thing:
“There’s nothing I can do to help you,” becomes, “Let me check to see if anything can be done.”
“I don’t like your attitude,” becomes, “I understand that you are upset but …”
“That is against our policy,” becomes, “We have guidelines for this type of situation; however, let me check and see what we might be able to do, can I call you back tomorrow …”
“I’m not your caseworker/salesperson/or from that department, you will have to call back and speak to them,” becomes, “The person who was helping you isn’t here today, but let me see what I can do …”
“Stop swearing at me or I will hang up,” becomes, “I understand that you are upset, let us see what we can do to help you.”
Just a note about ROLE-PLAYING:
Using this process and the tools described will help deal with angry people and with difficult situations; however, using these tools, following the process, AND practicing real-life scenarios USING ROLE-PLAYING will double or triple the effectiveness of this process.
Know that nobody likes role-playing. Know that it is effective, particularly if you remember these points:
Always do role-playing in small groups. Two people are ideal and especially if role-playing is outside of their normal comfort zones.
Build trust. Encourage and appreciate how uncomfortable can make people initially.
Use realistic examples. Start with simple everyday situations and build up to more challenging ones.
Do not interrupt the scenario. Watch, take notes, and then debrief after the role-play is completed. You can replay the scenario as many times as needed.
Unwinnable situations happen:
There will come a time, that despite all of the best intentions, the best process, the best tools, and the best execution, and all of the empathy in the world; in very rare cases, someone will not be satisfied.
As with the basic premise of this post, anticipate that it will happen and train people on how to recognize this truth and what to do when it happens.
Refunding without a penalty can work in retail environments, return of a donation in a charitable situation. Usually, an apology is part of the equation. When someone’s anger turns abusive and the situation cannot be controlled, never hesitate to contact the police or obtain a restraining order when necessary.
Will these points help in every situation? They have worked for me and other organizations I have worked with. Having an understanding of what motivates difficult people, appreciating how they are feeling and what they want, defusing negative situations, and practicing dealing with those situations; will make a difference.
Good luck and remember the only way angry people can wreck your day is if you aren’t prepared for them.
Paul