I once arrogantly believed that we all were exactly where we deserved to be. My thoughts were based on the premise that we were the sum of our decisions: the good, bad, and those avoided.
I believed that we would progress with our good decisions, be setback by our bad or avoided decisions, and that the result would be our present circumstances. Not only is this incredibly naïve, but it also fails to consider the results of where we began, the seemingly unrelated decisions of others, and how everything combines with chance to create a non-linear series of events that put us where we are at any given moment.
Before judging or categorizing others when we see them succeed or fail, consider the following variables in their and your own life equations.
Variables you inherit from birth:
Where were you born? If born in a Western-style country, you likely have immediate advantages of access to health care, education, stable government, adequate sanitation, and relatively secure food. The majority of people on our planet do not enjoy these benefits.
When were you born? At this moment in time some people were born in economic depressions, during wartime, during famines and pandemics; others were born during periods of growth and opportunity; any of these situations can have a dramatic effect positively or negatively on where someone is today.
What is your ethnicity? In 2024, I wish that racism, sexism, stigma, and ignorance did not exist; unfortunately, they do. They are so entrenched in our cultures that too many still deny they even exist. Dealing with the repercussions, both personally and societally, put countless individuals at an enormous disadvantage.
What were your parents like? Human beings are far from perfect and no two are the same; as a result, every one of us has a different starting point for our lives some enjoy great parents and families and many are hindered by the lack of support and opportunities afforded by our parents, no matter how well-meaning they may have been.
How wealthy were your parents? The divergence between rich and poor is painfully obvious to even the youngest children. From day one, access to better food, better care, security, education, and jobs, the divergence makes a difference that can be insurmountable for most people.
What kind of environment were you brought up in? Children and youth from safe environments will have an advantage over children and youth who are exposed daily to poverty, unemployment, anger and violence, and religious tolerance. Something as basic as access to transportation makes significant differences for large numbers of people worldwide, including in rural areas of Canada and the United States.
Were you are allowed to fail? The ability to fail and learn how to recover builds resilience and fortitude; however, this learned behavior is not always taught to children nor is it encouraged with adults. Human beings fail frequently and how we handle failure or our lack of ability is devastating to many people.
Were you encouraged to make decisions? Whether as a child, a student, youth, or as an adult; the more someone is encouraged to make decisions the better able they will be to handle the inevitable decisions we have to make daily as adults.
Were you encouraged to take risks? Similarly to making decisions, the earlier we learn how and when to take risks, the better able we are to handle adversity. For example, when we make wrong decisions or when external events do not go in our favor we build up skills to handle these situations.
How were you rewarded and/or punished? It is one thing to be encouraged or not encouraged to make decisions or to take risks; the effects are multiplied when someone is rewarded or punished for those actions. We survive as a species by learning and adapting and if we are rewarded will develop faster than if we are punished for trying new things.
Did you have mentors? Having someone to guide you, to show you how to act, when to ask questions, and provides support other than your immediate family can change your life. I have been fortunate at many key points in my life to have someone who kept me from self-destructing. Without those mentors I know I would not be where I am at this point in my life: how about you?
Have you experienced trauma? Accidents, abuse, illness, death of someone close, injury, or any other trauma can change life outcomes for any person, regardless of their starting point and experience. As a society, our inability to recognize the effects of trauma and to appropriately deal with trauma instead of just reacting to the symptoms only compounds and complicates the effects of trauma.
Were you encouraged to participate or were you ridiculed and shut down? Nowhere are the effects of this more visible than in our high schools. Students who have been encouraged to participate excel, students who have been ridiculed react by trying to be invisible. Recovery for this people is so much more difficult than it needs to be … I was one of these students.
External Variables:
How have other people’s successes affected you? This point does not imply that a person is jealous, although envy can certainly impact someone’s life; the point is what happens when opportunities that might have come to you don’t because someone else had the opportunity first.
How many opportunities were missed because you didn’t know? Knowledge and processes are not universal. In my work with people experiencing barriers, it is common to work with people struggling to survive who are completely unaware of the community support available to help. These gaps in our society create external variables that negatively affect people’s lives every moment of every day.
You Variables:
We have to take ownership of some of the variables in our life equation. We make good decisions, we make bad decisions, and often we suffer because we chose not to make any decisions. Not making a decision does not mean that our abdication of responsibility means that we are unaffected, often our situation is only made worse by that reality.
How many decisions did you avoid or make the wrong choice. I believe that every day is significant and can fundamentally change our lives, but most of the time we don’t see life that way. Not checking both ways before crossing the road can be catastrophic if someone else happens to be driving in the same place where we are walking: these accidents happen every day.
More specifically, when we make mistakes, there are consequences. Telling our boss what we really think can fundamentally change our career path and affect our relationships, financial situations, and our life trajectory. We can mitigate mistakes but they will happen and how we react to them is what makes us stronger.
How resilient have you been? Our ability to “bounce back” after making mistakes or bad decisions or reacting to an external event will affect our life’s equation. Learning to fail, learning to adapt lessons learned, and understanding that none of us are ever flawless will help us learn to be resilient.
What has been the cumulative effect of life on you? All of us have gotten to this point in our lives; we have experienced success, failure, heartbreak, and have survived; albeit with dents, damage, trauma, and scars. The effects of life change us and affect our journey.
Have you experienced mental health issues? In our society almost one in four of us this year will experience some form of mental health issues. Unfortunately, the stigma and misconceptions that many in society have towards mental illness make it more difficult for people to get the help they need. Few people question the need to take medicine to overcome a physical illness but don’t feel the same way when someone has a mental illness. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and other conditions require the right assistance at the right time and this doesn’t happen enough.
Multi-Generational Poverty – Despite the efforts of many social and charitable organizations, we are experiencing a situation where poverty is becoming systematic and almost impossible to escape even for very determined people. The gap between the top 1% of wage earners and the bottom 50% is staggering and left unmanaged will lead to increasing suffering and lack of opportunities and perhaps even revolution … it has happened before.
Unrealistic expectations – Whether parents or families, ourselves, or society; having a gap between what is expected and what is achieved can make people fail and fall through the cracks. In my community tonight, more than 150 people are sleeping on the street. All of these people were born, went to school, had dreams and hopes, and none of them expected to be where they are tonight. Somewhere, somehow, this happened, and few people in my community know and few people care: we need to change this as we need to change our expectations of what success is and to put in place better supports to help those who struggle.
What are you prepared to do to survive? Would you dumpster dive to feed your family? I know people who have. I know people who work in jobs they don’t like because they have responsibilities. I know these same people are judged by people who don’t understand how they got to where they are, I know people who don’t appreciate how many are trying to become more than they are. Is someone lazy because they are on social assistance, is the solution for them just to get a job; often people who ask those questions have zero understanding of what these people have to do each day just to survive.
Pride – Everyone learns about pride, earns it, and sometimes loses it. If everyone tried to allow everyone else to have dignity, respect, and inclusion many of the issues in our society would be lessened. Appreciate even someone experiencing the worst situation possible and want to be treated with dignity.
We do have some control. This post was never meant to be negative; we do have many things we can do, we can change, we can help, we can understand, and each one of us can make a difference. It is also helpful to focus on how we move forward, understanding how people arrived at this point in their journey and tailoring solutions to help the individual, rather than having simple blanket rhetoric.
Why did I write this?
I said I once believed that life was a simple equation. Now I know life and people are not simple and cold equations do not provide the inclusiveness and dignity that people deserve. If life could be made into an equation, it would be a non-linear type with even more than the few variables I have described.
I believe that our world is becoming more judgemental, less forgiving, and less empathetic: we need to change this. I believe that there are no simple solutions to our complex problems. I believe to solve our homelessness situations, to help people with addictions and barriers, and to help ourselves, we need to appreciate all of the variables that shape us. Doing so will allow us to realize, “How we got here is less important than what we do from here on … and the more people who appreciate this and help to change lives, the closer we will be to making a real difference.
Good luck,
Paul