Is winning all that matters?
There was a time I might have agreed with that statement and more than once I have said winning is everything because there is no prize for second place.
I have been many things, a businessperson, an instructor, a consultant, a coach and mentor, a project manager, and fortunately for me, I have learned just how wrong that statement is.
I have had many teachers both directly and indirectly that have shown me a wider perspective. Working in the charitable sector especially, I have learned that winning does not have to be binary, with one winner and everyone else losing.
All my experiences have led to me know that many of those people and organizations who are the “winners” are often people I choose not to emulate.
It took a while, and I still falter occasionally, but the old adage, “It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game,” is the underlying message that I wish to convey.
“Playing the game well and making your best effort in all things,” is what matters, more often than not, if you can do that you will win regardless of how the score is kept.
Taking a page from my Project Management Professional course instructors, I would like to share some “ground rules” of how to play the game. The list is far from complete, I invite you to add what I have missed and I will look forward to your comments.
Caring and finding people who care. As a mentor, trainer, developer of people, manager, and leader I have assisted in the development of skills in the people I have worked with. I have found that people who care are the rarest of all, people who care about those around them, our customers and clients, the tasks and job they do, and also the ability to care for themselves; this is something that can be nurtured but cannot be taught.
Having Integrity. Some may believe this should be first; however, since many people can have integrity without caring about people and their community, I have ranked it second on my list. To me integrity means, meaning what you say, doing what you say, and doing it when you say you are going to do it.
People will learn to trust you and your actions if you have integrity. Integrity is binary, you cannot have integrity in degrees; however, combining genuine caring with integrity is the key foundation of doing the best you can with the skills you have.
Encouraging yourself and those around you. I would like to say to people that you will always receive the support you need from your partner, family, friends, co-workers, managers, and supervisors; however, it has been my experience that this is not always true.
Being courageous and building your ability to encourage yourself are skills that can be developed. It is not easy, it has to be practiced, failure will be common, especially in the beginning; and it will require fortitude, persistence, perspective, and luck.
You will become disillusioned; getting discouraged and feeling stuck is common, it happens to almost everyone. Nurture your perspectives, seek inspiring people and experiences, and volunteer; I have found all help. I post a daily small quote for today on LinkedIn, to inspire and encourage other people, it also helps to inspire me.
Knowing when to quit. I believe in persistence, tenacity, and perseverance; however, on more than one occasion those positive attributes turned to stubbornness, compulsion, and relentlessness that cost me friends, and opportunities, and affected my family and my health. Recognizing when this happens and realizing quitting something or someone is not a failure is an important part of playing the game well.
Appreciating mental illness and experiences are medical issues. Too few people recognize addiction is the result of trauma. Fewer still realize mental health experiences will affect one in four people this year. Many stubbornly refuse to believe that most of what we hear from politicians and the media about mental health and addiction is wrong. Stigma and misinformation cloud our appreciation and understanding of those people around us who suffer as a result.
Expect ingratitude and to be misinterpreted. This is not cynical, just reality. People around us are busy, they don’t always listen, and they have their own issues, priorities, and worries. Be prepared and appreciate many people do not intend to be ungrateful. Understand an important “ground rule” is you may have to reexplain and clarify yourself many times when dealing with people.
You are going to have bad days. You are going to make mistakes, sometimes significant ones. To expect to have every day be perfect, to never feel depressed or discouraged, and to never make a mistake is totally unrealistic, be prepared for these to happen.
Own your mistakes. There are consequences for everything; however, taking ownership can help mitigate those impacts. I have seen many people so afraid of making a mistake or having made a mistake that they make more as a result. Successful people make mistakes as much or more than unsuccessful people, the difference is, to do well, and appreciate you will never be perfect.
Be vigilant against bias, misconceptions, stigma, and racism. Life cannot be broken down into 10-second sound bites. Truth is not absolute and critical thinking is necessary. Misconceptions and spin are part of our world. Racism is so ingrained even the most righteous of us can perpetuate discrimination. Critically think about what you know to be “truth.” Seek out alternative perspectives, question your leaders and politicians, and beware of anyone who only speaks in slogans rather than explanations.
When you have the opportunity to help someone … do it. Simple things, holding the door for anyone, letting someone into traffic who has been waiting, helping someone who is having a rough time, saying “thank you,” donating money or your time to help vulnerable people, learning about your community issues such as food insecurity, human trafficking, trauma, and intolerance.
Playing the game well is as much about small ripples of kindness as it is about large gestures and actions.
Always take the high road. Be the better person, don’t gossip, criticize, or complain. Find ways to make the best of any and all situations. Be the last person in line for things when rewards are being handed out. Appreciate when someone is offended, you might be the reason. Deescalate situations rather than fueling them.
Leave things better than you found them. This axiom was something written by Louis L’amour in the books I read as a young adult and it has had a lasting effect on me. Truly playing the game well means that you and the people you interact with purposefully try to make your community better.
Build and develop people, be a mentor, and help people realize their potential. Any fool can point out shortcomings and flaws, be the person who notices flashes of competence, see the flare of creativity in someone, and help to fan their flames of potential. Additionally, recognize and help people who are struggling, listen to people who need reassurance, and use your skills, experience, and attitudes to make those people around you better.
Remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other important days. Begin with those in your family, for example, if your partner likes flowers, buy flowers for no other reason than you want them to smile. Recognize the achievements and efforts of the people around you, and say “thank you” as often as possible.
Try to look for and find inspiration all around you.
A few days ago, I watched a heartwarming documentary on Ernie Coombs, the man who played Mr. Dressup on a long-running children’s program. His beginning was far from extraordinary, he had good and bad luck and survived loss and heartache, but through everything, he never lost his vision of the magic that is possible in people and in life.
He played his game to help, to inspire, and by the way he “played his game” he touched hundreds of thousands of people’s lives.
Did he win?
He played his life well, and he won in ways that he could never have imagined when he was starting out.
I am not Ernie Coombs, but I do know that each of us can win in ways that we never imagined if we play our game well.
Good luck,
Paul.