“Learning how to fail.” Doesn’t that sound counterintuitive?
Our entire society seems to be based on winning or succeeding. Star athletes are rewarded and idolized for their ability to succeed, to be champions. Each year, the best students are recognized for academic excellence. Promotions, recognition, and rewards at work usually go to those who are successful. There are countless books, websites, and blogs focused solely on succeeding.
So why should anyone need to learn how to fail?
Learning how to fail might be one of the most important skills we don’t teach students, workers, or society in general. As I wrote this post, I reflected on the advice I’ve given my family, my friends, acquaintances, new hires, and existing staff in every organization I’ve managed. I always hoped that everyone would succeed in everything they tried and never experience failure. However, I also tried to teach them how to fail.
I did this because I knew, and still know, that avoiding failure is unlikely. Failing doesn’t mean that someone isn’t intelligent enough or didn’t try hard enough. In fact, 99.9% of the time, I knew they were smart enough, and they did try their best.
So why teach people to fail?
As I reflected on my own experiences and those of people around me, I thought of the many times I succeeded and the many times I failed. I realized an important truth: if you always succeed at everything you do, you miss out on some of the most valuable experiences that ultimately help you grow and become more successful.
I know the importance of learning to handle failure without being defined by it. I’ve bombed interviews, made mistakes in my professional career, missed opportunities, lost promotions, suffered setbacks, and struggled more times than I can count. But I also believe that struggling strengthens learning pathways. Struggle, when channeled into a growth mindset, leads to long-term achievement.
Even knowing all of this, failing can still be difficult. It can be discouraging, especially during new experiences or when you leave the security of your comfort zone. It can be heartbreaking and disappointing, both for the person and for the people around them.
Failing can cost opportunities and close some doors. It can impact your academic, professional, and personal life and change your direction.
But failing can also teach appreciation. It can mean you dared to try something new. It can lead to innovation. It can prevent you from moving faster than you’re ready for. It teaches humility, collaboration, and the value of success when it does come.
Learning to fail isn’t just the point. Learning how to use your failure to learn, to grow, and to rise because of it is the real goal.
You are going to fail – It happens to all of us. Failing doesn’t mean you are a failure. It isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes it simply means that on a given day, someone else was better or better prepared. As a society, we don’t seem to recognize these truths. In many schools, students rarely fail a grade, even if they haven’t mastered the concepts.
Failing isn’t necessarily bad, but anyone who fails needs tools, perspective, and support to handle it.
A person close to me nearly gave up on a promising career because they failed and didn’t know how to handle it. They had always been a high achiever, and when they failed a mid-term, they were shattered. Their confidence disappeared, and they considered leaving university. Fortunately, they asked for help and used some of the lessons in this post. Not only did they not quit, but they also graduated, completed a master’s degree, and are now working toward their doctorate.
It isn’t only students who need to learn to fail. Everyone, at every age, can benefit from changing their viewpoint on failure.
So, what do you need to know to learn “how to fail” properly?
Emotional resilience, build it like a muscle -Failing tests, losing opportunities, or being passed over at work hurts. Emotional resilience is the ability to recover from those hits and keep moving forward. It isn’t something you either have or don’t, you can strengthen it. Simple, repeatable practices build resilience: name the feeling (don’t hide it), breathe and ground yourself, share honestly with someone you trust, and take one small action to re-engage (even a tiny step counts). Over time, those small actions add up, disappointment loses some of its power, and you become better at getting back up. Resilience doesn’t erase pain; it changes how long the pain lasts and what you do next.
These resilience habits pair with study and planning strategies, and the practical and emotional work together.
Acknowledge that failing happens – Sometimes, despite our hard work and preparation, we aren’t going to be enough. Someone else may be better prepared, have better luck, or simply be better that day. This isn’t a reason to give up — just an acknowledgment that failure is a part of life.
Recognize when the consequences match the preparation – Sometimes we didn’t do the work or didn’t prepare properly. Failure may result from that. It doesn’t mean you deserve it as a person; it means your preparation didn’t match the task. And that can be fixed.
Ask yourself:
- What did I do right?
- What did I do wrong?
- What would I do differently next time?
These questions make solutions easier to see.
What failure is NOT – Failure is not a measure of your intelligence or potential. It is not a verdict about your worth, and it is not a sign that you should quit. It is feedback, nothing more. Painful feedback, yes, but still feedback. People who succeed in the long term aren’t the ones who avoid failure; they’re the ones who don’t let failure define who they are.
Have a backup plan – If things don’t go the way you hoped, what will you do next? Remember, decision-making usually involves:
- Determining what the facts are?
- Examining what the alternatives are?
- Then, I decide what is the best decision I can make right now.
For example, in university, I failed an Economics mid-term worth 25%, my backup plan included:
- Plan A: Ask the professor for a rewrite.
- Plan B: If not possible (it wasn’t), ask for extra assignments to offset the grade.
- Plan C: Ask for extra help to master the concepts before the final.
How to talk to an instructor/supervisor after failing – Most people don’t reach out because they don’t know what to say. But it can be as simple as “I didn’t do well on this test/assignment/task. I want to understand where I went wrong so I can improve. Can you help me review it?”
Have strategies for dealing with failure – If you fail, don’t simply accept it as the end. Take action. Students can:
- Connect early with instructors.
- ask questions.
- If you are comfortable, volunteer answers
- Do all assignments.
- Ask for the correct solutions.
- Avoid skipping classes.
- ask for re-tests or extra work.
These same habits apply in work, relationships, and life.
Learn emotional regulation – Failure can feel personal. Learning grounding skills, reframing thoughts, and reaching out for support helps prevent failure from becoming identity.
Stay calm and work the problem – If you fail, don’t panic. Look for alternatives. Ask for help. Learn what went wrong so you’re better prepared next time.
Failing is not fatal – Everyone makes mistakes, especially when trying something new. Failure simply means you have more to learn.
Your past performance does not define your future – Fail once? That doesn’t mean you will fail again. Everything can change with practice and support.
If you fail, don’t fall apart – Transitions, new schools, new jobs, come with pressure. Failure during these times can feel overwhelming. Talk to someone. Give yourself time to adjust. And if you break down, it’s okay.
Adjust the pressure on yourself – Balance your desire to excel with your current abilities. Break big tasks into smaller ones. Your capacity will grow with experience.
Make a plan – In preparation for a test, assignment, or new work task, take the time to prepare and plan for execution. For example, for a student writing an exam, read the entire test first, do the questions you know first, show your work for part marks, and use all the available time.
Mitigate the possibility of failing – Often, the best way to avoid failure is preparation, for example, for students: study one hour for every hour of class, stagger study sessions and limit them to a time that works for you, take breaks to recharge and absorb what you are learning, avoid cramming, and don’t overload your schedule.
Make connections – Networks built in school, volunteering, and work can open doors, provide support, and help you navigate difficult times. School, work, and volunteering all involve interactions with other people, and I believe learning how to accomplish this effectively is as important as anything you will learn in a classroom.
Practice mental health first aid – Pressure, stress, burnout, and self-criticism all make failure feel heavier. Use the mental health resources in your community. Call crisis lines, especially when struggling. Support those around you as well. If you are unsure of where to turn, use 211, which is an online service available 24/7 in many communities. Schools, colleges, and universities, as well as many employers, have crisis support resources available.
Failing happens; while many examples here focus on students, these lessons apply at any age and in virtually every aspect of our lives. Knowing how to react to failure can change the course of your life. Middle school and high school often protect students from failing. Post-secondary school and the workplace do not. New environments, fewer supports, and difficulty handling failure can create a perfect storm of stress and anxiety.
Learning how to fail, and learning how to respond and react, is a skill that you can practice and that can help you succeed. Use these lessons. They work.
Good luck,
Paul
“Failure is just a consequence of our actions; it is not our identity.”