We all have key days or experiences that fundamentally change our path through the maze of opportunities and challenges our lives present. It might happen when you start a new job, meet a new person, gain a new co-worker, go to a new school, or even meet someone new in your life outside of your academic or professional sphere.
For me, perhaps the most important thing was that I had already been working for almost twenty years. In late November one year, I finished an eight-week Dale Carnegie course on How to Win Friends and Influence People. The course was provided as I approached a precipice in my career and not only saved me from myself but also laid the groundwork for the success that I have achieved since, professionally, academically, and also through greatly affecting my personal life.
It was expensive. My employer at the time, Bruce Beattie, invested the money, and the return on investment really can’t be quantified; it might be the greatest professional gift I have ever received. The foundational lessons of that course have resonated and reverberated with me every day since.
With all due respect to Dale Carnegie, I would like to share a few of the lessons from his course that I try to use as often as possible, even now, so many years later.
Core Principles That Shaped My Life – Personal Conduct & Daily Mindset
Don’t criticize or complain. Dale Carnegie’s first principle. Our world is full of criticism, condemnation, and complaining, and I admit that I am not nearly as good at living this principle as I should be. Making a conscious effort every day not to complain or criticize people or organizations is a small way that each of us can make a huge difference in our ability to positively affect the people around us.
Give honest and sincere appreciation. I try to find a way to make at least one person-centered, positive comment to each person that I encounter each day. As a goal, start by trying to make three people feel better about themselves each day. It will not only make them feel better; it will make you feel better as well. Try it today.
Smile and say thank you more. Such easy things to do. I challenge you to count the number of times you say “thank you” in a day; most of us don’t do it often enough or as often as we think we do. Try to say it at least twenty-five times a day. Think of the reaction you feel when a stranger smiles at you on the street. If a small gesture from a stranger can make you feel better, imagine the impact you can make with a friend, family member, or co-worker.
Remember names and use them as often as possible. Learning, remembering, and correctly using a person’s name is one of the most subtle and effective ways to connect with people. It can take practice, but the effect it will have on your life is well worth the effort.
Building Stronger Relationships – Become genuinely interested in other people.
Challenge yourself to learn more about the people around you. Learn about what they do, what’s important to them, when things aren’t going well for them, and the things of which they are proud. If you can learn one new thing each day about your co-workers, your friends, or your family, you will be amazed at how they begin to respond to you differently.
Be a good listener and actively encourage others to talk about themselves. Listening is one of the most important skills anyone can have, regardless of their sector, industry, or life circumstances. Try it socially, academically, or professionally, and the impact will be intuitively obvious. For people who are shy or introverted, asking others about themselves is a wonderful way to break the ice and start conversations and build connections.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. As you learn about the people around you, remember the things that are important to them. When opportunities present themselves, use that knowledge to begin conversations that strengthen your connections.
Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. We all wish to matter and to make a difference. An easy way to build someone up is to take the time to notice and comment on the contributions they are making at work, at home, or in their community.
Influence, Leadership, and Communication – It is all about people.
Arouse in the other person an eager want. The language is a little awkward today; however, the meaning is still as important now as it ever was. We should help inspire people to contribute and to want to make a difference. Encouraging someone to take a course for personal development, volunteer, or become more physically active are all great ways to accomplish this.
The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it. Easy to say, but difficult to do. We need to exercise self-control and remember to maintain a broader perspective. Winning an argument can be very satisfying in the short term, but if the long-term costs are greater, both in terms of lost opportunities and goodwill. We should strive to demonstrate emotional intelligence and look for ways to create win/win situations.
Show respect for the other person’s opinion and never say “You’re wrong.” Drawing attention to someone’s mistakes or vehemently disagreeing with their opinions will not influence anyone. Try to focus on points of agreement and build the person instead. Always find time to ask yourself, “What will I win if I win this argument? Often, the cost is much greater than the reward.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Don’t make excuses. Take full responsibility and apologize. This works and is a powerful way for people to see that you do not believe yourself to be better than anyone else.
Begin in a friendly manner. Building connectivity and relationships begins with rapport. Be interested in the person or people you are speaking with and learn about them and their concerns before focusing on your own issues.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. People like to be heard; they like the opportunity to share their thoughts and ideas. Let them. There will be time to comment and share your own ideas.
Let the other person feel the idea is theirs. If accomplishing a goal is what truly matters, who receives credit for the initial concept is far less important than bringing the concept to life.
Empathy, Growth, and Accountability – Perspective matters.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. Your ability to do this, to be empathetic and to appreciate another person’s perspective, is perhaps the most valuable of all of Carnegie’s principles.
Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires. For many people, sharing ideas and desires is difficult. When it happens, we should appreciate the strength and vulnerability it requires from the other person and respond thoughtfully.
Appeal to nobler motives. Most people want to make a difference and want to know that their work matters. Regularly reminding them of this and providing opportunities to contribute helps ensure willing cooperation.
Dramatize your ideas. Passion helps build cooperation and connection. Communicate with enthusiasm, gestures, and personal experiences. Enthusiasm is contagious.
Encouragement, Correction, and Growth – Build people.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation. People appreciate sincerity and recognition. Every day, people do many things that go unnoticed. Take a moment to notice, acknowledge, and thank them. Try to find things that the people around you are doing right and call attention to them.
Conversely, call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Mistakes happen. Who made the mistake is less important than learning from it and moving forward.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others. If you make a mistake, own it. Taking ownership demonstrates leadership and personal accountability, which builds trust and respect. And remember principle #1: never criticize.
Ask questions instead of giving orders. One, “Can you do me a favor?” often produces better results than twenty, “I want you to get this done.” Language, tone, and delivery matter.
Let the other person save face. Most people know when they have made a mistake. Making mistakes easier to overcome helps avoid embarrassment and public shaming.
Praise every improvement, no matter how slight. Recognizing effort fosters confidence and reduces insecurity. A simple acknowledgment may be all the encouragement someone needs to keep going.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Acknowledging the respect people have earned, past, present, or potential, is a powerful motivator.
One more: Don’t let your personal baggage get in your way. We all have biases, blind spots, and mistaken beliefs. Be aware of them and work to reduce their impact on your relationships.
Why This Still Matters – How to Win Friends and Influence People changed my life and continues to change it today.
I cannot speak to the experiences of the other thirty-five people who took the course with me, but I believe the fact that the course and the book have been continuously in print and offered since the early 20th century speaks volumes about the practicality and timelessness of the material.
I have reread or listened to the book at least once every year since passing my certification. I have purchased and shared more than two dozen copies of the book with co-workers, clients. and friends. I have even collaborated with several new hires and read the entire book together, fifteen minutes at a time each day, to help them benefit from its lessons.
We all have moments when our lives change course, sometimes dramatically, sometimes quietly. For me, that moment came during those eight fall weeks. Dale Carnegie’s ideas helped shape not only how I work, but how I listen, communicate, and show up for the people around me.
Dale Carnegie’s book and principles have been continuously updated and are available in a variety of formats. If you are like me, reading or listening to ideas even written so long ago might just change your life.
Take a chance.
Good luck,