Do you remember a time when your life changed?
We all have key days or experiences that fundamentally change our path through the maze of opportunities and challenges.
It might happen when you start a new job, meet a new person, gain a new co-worker, go to a new school, or even meet someone new in your life outside of your academic or professional sphere.
For me professionally, it was October of 2004. I finished an eight-week Dale Carnegie course on “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” The course was provided as I approached a precipice in my career and not only saved me from myself but laid the groundwork for the success that I have achieved since; professionally, academically, and with great lessons in my personal life.
It was expensive, my employer at the time, Bruce Beattie, invested the money and I can honestly say that this was the greatest professional gift I have ever received. The foundational lessons of that course have resonated and reverberated with me every day since. With all due respect to Dale Carnegie, I would like to share a few of the lessons I try to use as often as possible.
Don’t criticize or complain. Dale Carnegie’s first principle. Our world is full of criticism, condemnation, and complaining and I admit I am not nearly as good at living this principle as I should. Making a conscious effort every day not to complain or criticize people or organizations is a small way that each of us can make a huge difference in our ability to affect the people around us.
Give honest and sincere appreciation. I try to find a way to make a person-centered positive comment to each person that I encounter each day. As a goal, try to make three people feel better about themselves each day. It will not only make them but also feel better, it will make you feel better as well. Try it.
Arouse in the other person an eager want. The language is a little awkward today; however, the meaning is still as important now as it ever was. We should help inspire people to want to contribute, and to want to make a difference. Encouraging someone to take a course for personal development, volunteering, or even being more physically active are all great ways to accomplish this.
Become genuinely interested in other people. Challenge yourself to learn more about the people around you. Learn about what they do, what’s important to them, and the things they are proud of. If you can learn one thing each day about your co-workers, your friends, and your family, you will be amazed by how they start to respond to you better.
Smile and say Thank you more. Such easy things to do. I challenge you to count the number of times you say “thank you” in a day, most of us don’t do it often enough. Try to say it at least twenty-five times a day. Think of the reaction you feel when a stranger smiles when they meet you on the street, if a small gesture from a stranger can make you feel better, imagine the impact you can make with a friend or worker.
Remember names and use them as often as possible. Learning, remembering, and correctly using a person’s name is one of the most subtle and effective ways to connect with people. It can take practice, but the effect it will have in your life is well worth the effort.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Listening is one of the most important skills anyone can have, regardless of their sector, industry, or aspect of their lives. Try it socially, academically, or professionally and the impact will be instantly obvious. For people that are shy or introverted, asking people they meet about “them” is a wonderful way to break the ice and start conversations.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. As you learn about the people around you, remember the things that are important to them. When opportunities present themselves, use that knowledge to begin conversations to strengthen the connection between you.
Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. We all wish to matter and to make a difference. An easy to build someone is to take the time to notice and comment about the contributions they are making at work or in their community.
The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it. Easy to say, but difficult to do. We need to exercise our self-control and remember to use a larger perspective. Winning an argument can be very satisfying in the short term, but if the long-term costs to us are much greater in terms of lost opportunities or bad will, then we should demonstrate our emotional intelligence and find ways to create win/win situations.
Show Respect for the other person’s opinion, and never say “You’re Wrong.” Drawing attention to someone’s mistakes or publicly disagreeing with their opinions will not influence anyone. Try to find ways to focus on points of agreement and build the person instead.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Don’t make excuses, take full ownership, and apologize. This works and is a great way for people to see that you are just like everyone else.
Begin in a friendly manner. Building connectivity and relationships all begin with building rapport, as with so many of these points, be interested in the person or people you are speaking to and find out about them and what their concerns are before focusing on your issues.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. People like to be heard, they like to have the opportunity to share their thoughts and ideas. Let them. There will be time to comment and share your own ideas.
Let the other person feel the idea is theirs. If accomplishing a goal is what is important, who gets credit for the initial concept is less important than making the concept a reality.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. The ability to do this, to be empathetic, and to appreciate the challenges and perspective of the other person is perhaps the most valuable of all of Carnegie’s principles.
Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires. To have someone share their ideas and desires can be very difficult for many people, when it happens, we need to appreciate the strength and vulnerability that this requires and measure our response thoughtfully.
Appeal to nobler motives. Most people want to make a difference, they want to contribute, and know the work they do is important. Reminding them and providing opportunities helps to ensure willing cooperation.
Dramatize your ideas. Passion helps to build cooperation and connection. Communicate with gestures and excited tones when presenting ideas and requests for help, enthusiasm is contagious. Using personal experiences and other “real” examples for emphasis.
Begin with praise and honest appreciation. People appreciate sincerity and being recognized for the work they have done. Every day people do things that nobody notices, take a moment, notice, acknowledge, and thank them. Beginning conversations with praise and appreciation instantly makes people feel better about themselves and helps to set the tone for the remainder of your conversation.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. How do you react when someone blatantly points out an error that you have made? Exactly, a mistake was made, fine, it happens, take the lessons you can from it and move on. Who made the mistake isn’t important.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. If you make a mistake, own it. This doesn’t contradict the above point. Admitting you have made a mistake and taking ownership is not the same as pointing out someone else’s. Taking ownership demonstrates leadership and personal accountability which increases trust and respect. And remember #1, never criticize.
Ask questions instead of giving orders. My favorite use of this principle is asking people, “Can you do me a favor?” rather than saying “I want you to get this done.” The language, tone, and manner in which we ask for things can make a huge difference in the results we hope to achieve.
Let the other person save face. Most people know when they have made a mistake, and making mistakes seem easy to overcome helps in avoiding embarrassment and public shaming. It is easy to do this, so we should as often as we can.
Praise every improvement no matter how slight. Recognizing effort when someone is trying to improve themselves fosters confidence and defeats insecurity. By providing simple acknowledgment we might be all the positive reinforcement someone needs to not lose faith in themselves.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Acknowledging the respect people have earned in the past, are enjoying now, and could earn in the future is a powerful motivating factor.
Plus, one more, do not let your personal “baggage” get in your way. We all have biases, blind spots, and mistaken beliefs. Be aware you have them and try to reduce their impact on your relationships with other people.
“How to win friends and influence people,” changed my life.
I cannot speak to the experiences and lasting influences on any of the other thirty-five people who took the course with me. I believe the fact the course and the books have been continuously in print and offered since the early 20th century speaks volumes about the practicality and timelessness of the material contained within those pages. I have reread or listened to the book (audio) at least once every year since passing my certification. I have purchased and shared more than a dozen copies of the book and given them to co-workers and friends. I have even worked with several new people on staff and read the entire book, 15 minutes at a time each day to help them benefit from the lessons.
Dale Carnegie’s book and ideas have been continuously updated and they are available in a variety of formats. If you are like me, reading or listening to his principles written so long ago might just change your life. Take a chance.
Good luck,
Paul