This question and its answer expose the fundamental truth about why we are here. It was put to me by someone I would like to help become unstuck.
Becoming stuck in our lives is common; our lives are a complex equation of our decisions, the interaction of those around us, how hard we work, blind luck, and countless other seemingly unassociated circumstances. People find themselves in positions where they can’t stay where they are, they can’t go sideways, they can’t go backward, and they can’t go forward. I have been there, and likely, at one point or more points, you might find yourself there. When it happens, you need help, and often, one person can make all the difference … a person who takes the time to care when you need help the most.
Let’s explore how one person can help someone become unstuck.
Be an example. When you are stuck, everything seems uphill in every direction; you feel alone in rooms full of people, you feel like a failure, and you feel that you have let everyone down, especially the people you care most about. Worse, often you feel and are sometimes told by people you are close to that “you made your bed, and now you have to sleep in it,” or “you have gotten what you deserve. All of this can be crushing and can drive you to the breaking point. Those of us who have been there, who have gotten the right help at the right time, survived and recovered by becoming unstuck, who now recognize this reality for others, and offer ourselves as an example of that being stuck isn’t final; can be helpful in “unstucking” you.
Build hope. Making a difference is possible when you spark hope in someone who is stuck. The sense of aloneness devastates hope. We start to believe those people who say we are where we deserve to be. Simply being there for someone who is stuck, listening, holding their hand, and creating even the smallest spark can be the beginning of turning things around.
Demonstrate compassion. It is one thing to tell someone struggling that you care; but to really make a difference, you need to show that you care by listening, not judging, and by offering and asking if they would like help. Helping is not about you, helping is totally about them.
Not being or feeling alone. When you are stuck, you can feel completely unconnected and like someone on the outside looking in. All our lives, we listen to people telling us what we deserve or don’t deserve, and it is easy to forget that we deserve to be happy as long as we don’t make someone else worse off. When you see someone struggling, simply letting them know they are not alone can help.
Notice and encourage. One of the best leadership concepts is to manage by walking around and noticing all the positive things people are doing; this is true in life. Be interested in people, those who are succeeding and those who are struggling. Even a small, positive, person-centered comment to someone can stop a downward spiral for anyone.
Notice and teach. Sometimes it is possible to get stuck in a spiral downwards and know that you are struggling but not know how to stop yourself. People who have “been there” can, if they are looking, see and share their personal stories and sometimes slow or reverse the spiral.
Notice and empower. Notice and encourage or teach are both very powerful ways to help, but perhaps the very best is to notice and empower. Helping a person the person helps themselves by providing the tools and the necessary support helping them save themselves.
Make diversity, equity, and inclusiveness more than words. Live the ideals of DEI and have it be part of everything you do and think. There are more than 8 billion people on this planet, and each should have the same rights as the other but we know this is not the case; however, you as one person, can make a commitment to doing what you can.
Live Resiliently. People who you try to help will watch and see what you do; consciously trying to set an example is important, but people will also notice the example you set by how you act when you are not aware you are being watched.
Stand Out. Don’t go through life anonymously; resist the urge to stay in the background; be noticed, be bold, and pursue your goals; these add to your reputation and will help when you help others.
Stand up for victims. Never be a bystander when someone is being victimized or subject to any abuse. Be trauma-informed and always be aware someone can be a victim without you even being aware they are.
Serve. I believe I am a servant leader, I was not always, but I strive to achieve this ideal. When helping someone, empathy and an understanding of intersectionality will provide you with the capacity to see other perspectives and solutions that may not be visible to anyone else.
Learn to know what you don’t know and learn to see what you cannot see. We all experience bias, arrogance, stigma, and misconceptions; often without realizing that we are. As a society, we have perpetuated systematic colonialist racism without even being aware we were. By having an open mind and questioning established norms, we can help so many more people because we can be much more empathetic and understanding.
Join others. One person can make a difference, but joining a group with the same ideals and goals can multiply your influence. Consciously connecting and encouraging those people who need to get “unstuck” to connect reduces isolation and broadens their perspectives, giving them more examples and more access to the skills and tools they need to help themselves.
Inspire others. A common theme throughout this post revolves around setting an example; you can inspire other people very effectively and quietly by demonstrating all of these single items mentioned so far.
Diffuse excuses and blame. There may be many good reasons and explanations of how and where we are at any given moment; however, if we want to move forward; what we do now and into the future is more important than what we may have done in the past.
They are not you. While your life skills and experiences can provide helpful reference points, never forget they have different life experiences, their own trauma, their own hopes, goals, and aspirations.
Be a realistic and honest optimist. Becoming unstuck is difficult, and it is not something that will happen overnight. People who are stuck are often frustrated, and overloaded with responsibilities, and quite often, they are afraid of making their situation worse. I tell my job seekers to never trust someone with simple solutions to complex problems, and this is especially true for people who are stuck. There are always paths available, but they are neither easy nor quick.
Involve other people. Helping someone who is stuck may not be something you can help with alone; know, when and how to defer to people who have better and more appropriate skills than you.
Be their respite, their calm, and do not overextend yourself. How you deal with frustration, setbacks, disappointment, and other difficulties is just another way you can help your “stuck” person. Vulnerable people have experienced trauma and may lack trust in those around them, you can be a key component of how they rebuild their trust in their lives. It is also extremely easy to want to help so much, you don’t look after your own wellbeing, health, and work/life balance.
Start where they are, with what they can do, and in small steps. Building trust and confidence, and unwinding being stuck is a process; start with small steps and attempt to deliver value earlier and often while following a collaborative plan.
Never judge. Life happens, people make good and bad decisions, trauma happens, as well and your focus should be on the way forward not what they should have done.
Can one person make a difference?
I think so.
Will you be successful?
I don’t know.
What I do know is that you have to try because I believe that one person at the right time can make a difference. When someone sets out to consciously help other people, the task can be overwhelming, which is the final point to share, “Do what you can.” Even if you can only listen and be there is someone who is stuck, that can sometimes be enough and that is powerful enough.
Good luck and Thank you.
Paul.